Anger And Grief After Miscarriages

by Rick
(Denver CO )

I'm a very angry person because of my parents when I was younger. I don't know how to control it and it's ruining my relationship with the love of my life. That is because I get so angry that I say things I don't mean and very hurtful things.

I yell at her and hit walls and doors. And on top of that, my girl friend just miscarried our child yesterday. I don't know how to deal with that.


So, can you give me advice on how to control my anger, fix my relationship and deal with her miscarrying our child?




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Rick, and thanks for telling your story on this site. You are a good person, and that's why you don't like the anger. You want to be supportive and loving to your wife, so the anger and frightening behavior don't feel good to you. I will help you with your anger, your relationship, and your grieving process.

Here's what I want you to do for yourself to deal with your anger:

1) Write a detailed account of any abuse, abandonment or neglect you received as a child. Don't hold back or leave anything out. Describe every detail. Write about everything that has ever hurt, frightened or angered you. I know it might take a while, but it will really help. This is for no one's eyes but yours, so don't worry about that.

2) Now that you have brought up those memories, use the guided imagery healing processes you will find on this page to heal emotionally from the abuse. Use these techniques, and keep trying until you get some relief. They are powerful tools, that work very well if you use them.

When you deal with your past experiences this way, it will make the following techniques work much better for you. So be sure and do the above exercises before moving on to the following ones.

1) Use the journaling processes you will find described on this page to begin managing your anger more effectively on a daily basis. This will include a daily journaling process of writing from your anger and then shifting to positive journaling about the good things in yourself, your life and other people--especially your girlfriend.

2) Moment by moment, day by day, shift your focus from what you don't like to what you do like. The things that trigger your anger are all things you don't like or don't want. Train your mind to look at the things you do want and like. Use this to extend the benefit of the positive journaling process above.

Believe in yourself, Rick. You can do this, if you set your mind to it. You get to choose, moment by moment, what kind of person you're going to be, and these exercises will help you make the right choices.

You and your girlfriend need to grieve the loss of the child she miscarried. You can learn about the grieving process and the steps to take for grieving on this page. You may want to name the child, and have some kind of memorial service, possibly inviting loving friends and family. This will help to bring closure and relief for both of you.

Make up your mind to succeed in this, Rick, and you can do it. Never give up on yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore