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Anger Addiction

by Anine
(Queens, NY)

Since before I can remember I have been having problems with my anger because of my father. My father is a functioning alcoholic.

My father has always spoken to me and my siblings however he would see fit. Whether it was cursing us out, calling us all kinds of names, to trying to beat our spirits by saying evil things or beating us until we couldn't take it anymore. Alcohol has been a major part of his life and no matter what we try to say or do for him, alcohol always comes first.

I have been through all kinds of things and I have still managed to come out on top, but it doesn't seem like anything works. And all it does is make me more and more upset at the fact that the one thing in life for any child is to make your parents proud. But if you're growing up with a parent that doesn't care about you as a person it's very hard to feel anything about yourself.

I hated myself for years and I never understood why. I am angry most if not all of my day and I don't know why. I have thoughts of getting rid of all the people that have ever hurt me and I didn't know why. I am always very aggressive with everyone and I'm always looking for a fight with someone.

The first fight I had I don't even remember the person because all I saw was my father's face. And this would happen each time I would have a fight. I have so much anger inside of me from his words that I even feel myself blacking out at times when I'm angry and destroying everything in front of me. Then to calm me down I clean everything up.

My father and I argue most of the time but when we are not arguing we just don't say much to each other because I don't have anything to say. There are times when I come home from work and try to get sleep, then he comes in the house and wakes everyone up and curses and name calls everyone like their are nothing.

This anger I have towards my father is destroying me slowly. I've lost friends, boyfriends, you name it. I've even carried myself in a way where I didn't care about myself or I couldn't care for a man because I was never told to love a man because my father never express any love or affection towards me or my siblings.

We found ourselves looking for love in all the wrong places, and I've been in one abusive relationship after another and it got tiring. But I accepted all of the beatings and all of the bad talk because that was all I knew.

I just need help and if anyone reading this can help me that would be great. There's more to this story but I would be writing forever.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Anine, and thanks for telling your story here. You are a survivor, and I congratulate you for all of the ways in which you're doing well. The abuse you went through is extreme, and it's no surprise that you're having issues in the aftermath. You are not simply a result of what happened to you, however. You are a good person, with tremendous healing capacity within you. I will try to help you access that healing.

I suggest you start by following the guidelines on this FAQ page that helps you to identify your parents' influence, and emotionally release them. It sounds like you live with your father, and if that's the case, I suggest you move out if at all possible. After the abuse you received from him, living in the house with him might just be too much for you emotionally.

I also suggest you use these guidelines to address and heal your anger. Take this seriously, Anine, and you will get significant benefit. These are powerful tools, if you use them.

Believe in yourself, and the goodness of your heart--that's where your healing comes from.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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