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For clarity he is never violent with me. We went to the local for a few and as the night progressed, he is everyone's favourite person. Then he starts getting annoyed about silly things.
A drink got knocked over and I tried to calm him and he shoved me off (never happened before) and was next to impossible to calm down till the manager (an old friend) seemed to calm him before a bouncer grabbed and chucked him out.
He was furious and had his top off in a second, ready to fight (he is a boxer so bad news if it comes to that). Once again I tried to stop him and was shoved as hard as the other men trying to calm him. We barely escaped a fight.
Whilst home, he has curled up in the bedroom rather than talk, and smashed his phone and glass of water on the wall. I know he has a drinking issue but it has never altered his behaviour before.
He doesn't realize how badly he injured me when shoving me and I just don't know what to do now. In the morning he will be fine but I won't, because I will know how he can be.
How can we get past that and feel safe if we go out for a few drinks?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello CB, and thanks for telling your story here. You ask how the two of you can get past your problem and feel safe if you go out for a few drinks. The problem is, that it's not your problem.
Your partner is an alcoholic, whether he or you know that or not. Anyone who drinks and reacts the way you describe is an alcoholic, even if it's just in the early stages. He also has a serious anger problem, which is a bad combination, to say the least.
The sad truth for you to face is that things will only get worse until he faces his problem and takes serious, focused action to correct it. He will need to first get sober, then deal with his anger. If he doesn't do that, you will never be safe with him. As you stated, he has not become aggressive toward you, and he has injured you.
I encourage you to read the following page, and follow the recommendations you find there:
how to deal with abusive relationships.
You have to make up your mind that you are worthy of kindness and respect all of the time, no matter what. If you stay in a relationship where you are being abused, you are inviting more abuse. You have to love yourself enough to take care of yourself--more than you love him.
I hope your partner gets help, but no matter what he does, you are responsible for taking care of yourself.
You can do this. Believe in yourself.
My very best to you,
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