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Abusive Relationship And A Newborn

by Anonymous

Abuse Victim Cycle

Abuse Victim Cycle

I have been with my boyfriend for two years, and we recently had a beautiful baby boy two months ago who we both adore.

I had noticed that my boyfriend had anger issues early on into our relationship. The first sign was when we went on vacation with each other and he screamed at me calling me all sorts of names in front of everyone walking by.

He specifically told me he doesn't care if people look at him, he will scream at me and degrade me basically no matter what. He then later apologized and admitted to having anger issues. I realized that the smallest things would trigger his anger and because of that I learned to tip toe around him and to be careful with what I say.

The second incident occurred a few months later, where we got into a huge fight for his birthday. He yelled in front of all his family and left me in the middle of the street crying. He then proceeded to call me names and we went to the back to speak, and he stated that he wanted to be left alone. But I wanted to speak about the argument.

That was the wrong idea because he then hit me for the first time. He blamed me for not leaving him alone. We were about to break up, but then we spoke about the incident and we moved on. Then after that there were little things like him breaking my phone and getting mad at me, screaming and then apologizing.

His outbursts were so sporadic that it scares me to tell him things or do things because I don't know how he will react. Some days he screams and yells at me for just not answering the phone and then some days he doesn’t. If I speak to him a certain way he feels that I'm not speaking to him like the man he is, so he gets upset.

Every time we argue he hits below the belt and says things that I confided in him with and throws it in my face. I never hit below the belt because I don't agree in arguing in that way especially when you love someone.

Now we have a son and it's gotten worse because he doesn't let me say anything without thinking that I'm critiquing him as a father. It's frustrating because now I won't back down, especially when it comes to my son.

He yelled at me because I told him he has to strap him into the rocker, he screamed and started calling me names and saying I'm not a good mother.

I'm so lost and confused because it doesn't happen all the time, it's so sporadic.

But now that I have a son I don't want him to grow up in a household where he sees his mother being spoken to in that way or being abused. He has shoved and thrown me against a wall, but it only happened twice.

He knows he has anger issues but blames me for bringing them out. How should I handle this situation?

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Apr 17, 2017
Protect Yourself And Your Child
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for reaching out for help here.

I'm concerned that you are minimizing the seriousness of your situation, specifically when you point out that the abuse is "sporadic" and that he only shoved and thrown you against a wall twice. Once is too much for this type of physical abuse.

And when your child witnesses this violence and aggression, it can be very damaging to her development and sense of safety in the world.

I'm sure you love your boyfriend, but in my experience, these situations only get worse, unless the abusive person seeks serious help, on their own.

When you try to avoid upsetting your boyfriend, you are unintentionally giving him the message that his anger is appropriate as a way of controlling you...and it's not.

I suggest that you contact a woman's shelter or family protective services center in your area, for free counseling and possibly an alternative place to live until you get settled on a new plan.

Please, take care of your child and yourself.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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