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Abusive Partner Or Abusive Me?

by Seme
(Winnipeg )

Thank you so much for what you do. I am happy I found this site.

I am currently in an abusive relationship, both physically, mentally, financially, emotionally, and I am so scared to live. I have three kids for husband and my religion does not believe in divorce so I am hanging on but bleeding profusely inside my heart.

I don’t even know where to start from. My husband hates my family to the core. He told me yesterday that my mother can never come to our house (we own the house together). He gets angry when I call my friends or siblings. I always call them when he is not around.

We have a joint account and he is in total control of how we spend it. I am so afraid to buy things I like even to panties because he will complain if I do. He forced me to read nursing at the college against my wish. He is so controlling and manipulative.

I tell him I am not happy with how he treats me and he tells me that "I can go back to my father's house if I want." The sad part is that I try to do everything he says even though I feel like a dummy robot. I have spoken to him calmly but he does not care to change.

Now, I am depressed because I have anger issues. I over react when I can't help it anymore and he uses that as a weapon against me. A practical example was when I had an issue at my place of work and I was suspended for a week. He was so angry and always reminded me of the bills in the house. How the car brake is faulty (we never had to fix it when I had my job).

At one point, he hit me on my head with all his strength three good times. I felt so angry and I threatened him with a knife if he come close to me again. At the end of it all, he mocks me that I am a bad wife, threatening my husband with a knife. He failed to acknowledge what led to it.

Another time he got physically abusive to me and almost choked me to death, I took a bottle and broke the TV, because I knew he valued it so much. The issue is that my reactions are always extreme after I get physically abused and he uses it as a weapon to demean me on the future.

I am thinking of separation since my religion is against divorce. But am still so scared. I feel he will harm me if I do that. I am literally living in fears and regrets.

At times I blame myself so bad that I am the cause of the problem and push him to be physically abusive to me.

What should I do? I really need help. Thank you.

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Jul 25, 2019
Some Answers And Help For You
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Seme, and thanks for telling your story here. Here are some perspectives for you to consider, in order for you to decide what you need to do.

1) You are indeed in an abusive relationship. From what you describe here, your husband is in fact abusing you, in many ways, as you point out. There is no question about that.

2) Most certainly, you have had some anger reactions of your own, and you are totally responsible for that behavior. However, I think it's clear that you would not be doing these things if you were being treated with kindness and respect in your marriage.

3) With these thoughts in mind, I want you to consider that staying with your husband might lead to things getting worse, and possibly leading to serious injury...most likely to you. Your description of him hitting you in the head with all of his strength, for example...that could easily lead to concussion, brain damage, neck injury, or even death. You really cannot afford to wait and see if things will get better. Everything in my professional experience tells me that this situation will not improve as long as you stay with him.

4) By staying with him, and continuing to try to do everything he wants you to do, you are sending him an unspoken message that you really do not want to send. Your behavior tells him that he's right in his treatment of you. In the confused mind of an abuser, he can tell himself that he must be right, or you wouldn't still be there, smiling at him, trying to please him.

5) I know that you think that if you're "good" enough, or pleasing enough to him, he'll be nice and stop abusing you. It doesn't work that way. While I'm sure your husband is a decent person at some level, his abusiveness to you indicates that he has some serious mental/emotional issues. He needs long-term treatment, and that would have to be initiated by him, you can't make it happen.

I hope this helps you, Seme. Find a shelter for women and children in your area, and they will provide protection for you if you choose to separate. Speaking of your children, they are being damaged by being exposed to his abusive behavior toward you, whether or not he abuses them.

Feel free to comment on this forum, and let us know how you're doing. And, watch your email...I will be sending you a free download to help you.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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