Abusive Partner Or Abusive Me?

by Seme
(Winnipeg )

Thank you so much for what you do. I am happy I found this site.

I am currently in an abusive relationship, both physically, mentally, financially, emotionally, and I am so scared to live. I have three kids for husband and my religion does not believe in divorce so I am hanging on but bleeding profusely inside my heart.

I don’t even know where to start from. My husband hates my family to the core. He told me yesterday that my mother can never come to our house (we own the house together). He gets angry when I call my friends or siblings. I always call them when he is not around.

We have a joint account and he is in total control of how we spend it. I am so afraid to buy things I like even to panties because he will complain if I do. He forced me to read nursing at the college against my wish. He is so controlling and manipulative.

I tell him I am not happy with how he treats me and he tells me that "I can go back to my father's house if I want." The sad part is that I try to do everything he says even though I feel like a dummy robot. I have spoken to him calmly but he does not care to change.

Now, I am depressed because I have anger issues. I over react when I can't help it anymore and he uses that as a weapon against me. A practical example was when I had an issue at my place of work and I was suspended for a week. He was so angry and always reminded me of the bills in the house. How the car brake is faulty (we never had to fix it when I had my job).

At one point, he hit me on my head with all his strength three good times. I felt so angry and I threatened him with a knife if he come close to me again. At the end of it all, he mocks me that I am a bad wife, threatening my husband with a knife. He failed to acknowledge what led to it.

Another time he got physically abusive to me and almost choked me to death, I took a bottle and broke the TV, because I knew he valued it so much. The issue is that my reactions are always extreme after I get physically abused and he uses it as a weapon to demean me on the future.

I am thinking of separation since my religion is against divorce. But am still so scared. I feel he will harm me if I do that. I am literally living in fears and regrets.

At times I blame myself so bad that I am the cause of the problem and push him to be physically abusive to me.

What should I do? I really need help. Thank you.