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Abusive Dad And Shy Girlfriend

by Anonymous



Hi Dr. DeFoore. I'm a 19 year old male living with my two parents in the United States. I have a long-distance girlfriend in Canada who I love, but who is extremely shy. My father is extremely controlling, and at times, I would call him abusive.

I've been complaining about him to my girlfriend for some time now, and now my girlfriend, who is already shy, just doesn't really want to talk to him. I know if I ask her to, she would talk to my father.


My father, upon learning that I had a girlfriend, immediately attempted to meet her, by clambering into my bed where I was talking with her on Skype. Knowing my girlfriend was shy, and wouldn't want to suddenly be talking with my father, I closed my laptop and prevented them from speaking.

It's been months now, and now "them speaking" is 'a thing.' My girlfriend isn't extremely shy, just shy, and I feel like...by protecting her from talking to my father, I'm actually making things worse, but now I don't know how to escape it.

Two weeks ago, my father demanded to speak with her, and threatened to kick me out of the house if she didn't comply. I told my girlfriend about it, and she thought that was horrible of him to do, but said she would talk to him if it came down to it.

Then my mother, who is very reasonable, but tries to avoid conflict, made my father back down on his threat. Now, my father has stopped trying to talk to my girlfriend, and now he's trying to get us to break up instead, because he thinks my girlfriend is "crazy".

If I move out, I will have to drop out of university for financial reasons.

I have to remain on good terms with my father, at least until I move out, and while he is abusive, he's...like...Diet Abusive. He has violent episodes, but they are only annual, and the physical damage is minor. I'd also really love to keep dating my girlfriend, but I don't see a way out.

Do you have any tips for how I can fix my relationship with my father? Do you have any tips for how I can facilitate a healthy relationship between my father and my girlfriend? Do you think I should move out?

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May 22, 2015
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You've Got A Good Grasp Of This
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello -- Sorry you're having this trouble. You sound like a fine young man, and what your father is doing is just wrong.

First of all, I encourage you to trust yourself regarding the best course of action. I think you will make good decisions.

One possibility is to tell your dad that this situation is unacceptable to you. You are an adult, and he is interfering with your life as if you were a child. You might tell him that if this continues you will have no choice but to move out, and jeopardize your university education.

Then, if he persists in his irrational behavior, you will have to decide what is the best course of action for you. And, as I said, you'll make a good decision.

Bottom line is...get out of that house and on your own as soon as you possibly can. And once you're out, establish financial independence from your father so that he cannot control you.

Believe in yourself. You can do this.

My best,

Dr. DeFoore

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