Abused And Depressed
Don't have much time so let's just sum up my 13 year old life story:
1. My sister physically and emotionally abused me as a child VERY often.
2. Tried to tell my mom but she always pretended I was lying and I got put on punishment for "lying."
3. Growing up I start to resent my family.
4. New school, and I"m starting to realize how abnormal my situation is.
5. 1st Major depression in summer of 5th grade.
6. Realizing that I may have some type of disorder (psychological).
7. 6th grade: becoming suicidal.
8. Summer of 6th grade: worse depression, starting to become violent.
9. 7th grade realized that I was abused.
10. Completely HATE my sister.
11. Getting REALLY mad at everyday things.
14. Self injury (banging my head on walls, hitting myself, etc.)
15. Drinking whatever alchohol I can find
16. Downhill from there
17. Now I'm 12 years old, depressed, suicidal, angry, ugly, stupid, and I have nothing to live for.
18. Wish I could tell people but I can't, oh well...
19. Well, suicide is definitely next.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello. You just told someone, and I'm listening. And as much as I can, from where I sit, not knowing your name or where you are, I care. I will do my best to help you.
Here is what I want to say to you:
You are not what happened to you. You were a victim to abuse, and so you couldn't avoid feeling like a victim. But that does not define you as a person. You are not just a victim.
You know when you went to the new school and started to realize how abnormal your situation was? That's because there is something in you that is better than all of that. That something is who you are, and it's good.
You had already started to resent your family, and with good reason. Your mother failed in her job to protect you. You were right to try to tell her about the abuse by your sister, and she was wrong to pretend you were lying and punish you.
You came out of all of that thinking there was something wrong with you, and there is not anything wrong with you. Being abused certainly harms you, and creates a lot of disturbing thoughts and feelings, as you well know.
There is nothing wrong with you. You have survived. And you have done your best to make it through every step of the way. Hating your sister, drinking alcohol, and hurting yourself were all part of trying to take care of yourself the best way you could.
And thinking about ending your life is your effort to end the pain. I get that. When life looks entirely bad and painful and hopeless, then of course you're going to think of finding a way out of that life.
However...you're reading this, so I assume I'm not too late...
To end your life would be a mistake, and here's why. It's not your life that is the problem. The problem is that whole victim thing you grew up with, and that will stop (or has stopped--I couldn't tell from your writing).
Your life--the value of your life--is defined by what you love, what you like, what ignites your passion and opens your heart.
Shift your focus away from what has happened to you to what you want and what you love. Channel your anger into an absolute fierce determination that you will not be destroyed by the ignorance and pain of your past. Take a look at all of the pain and abuse as if it were lumped into a big pile, and say goodbye to it--every moment of every day until it is gone.
Now be aware that the person looking at all of that pain and abuse is smart enough and good enough to know how wrong it is. That is you--and you are also smart and strong enough to use all of that to make you better. I think that has already started--I get a sense of your strength just reading what you have written here.
Immediately after saying goodbye to the big pile of pain and abuse, shift your focus to your dreams and desires.
You have a vision of a good life in your heart and soul. Nurture and cultivate that. You can fulfill that vision.
You are good. That's why you hate what has happened to you. Focus on that goodness within you and make every choice from that place.
And please keep writing on this site, either in comments on this story or in new stories, whichever you choose.
Or, if you don't want to write for others to see, use the journaling exercise on this page to get that trauma out of you. That page has three journaling processes, and I suggest you use them all. Write every day from your anger, and even though it might be a stretch for you, it is a good one to do this next part...use the positive writing exercises to train your mind to shift away from the pain and brokenness in your life to the goodness and blessings that are inside you and all around you.
And I will pray for you. You are worth it. I see you coming through this and becoming the person you choose to be.
Please do not give up on yourself. Believe in your own inner goodness--it is more wonderful and powerful than you have ever imagined.
My very best to you,