A Childhood Prematurely Seized

by Maeleigh
(Arkansas)

How can you help someone if you don't know why they acted/reacted the way they have? Why they are who they are? The complete reason behind their problems?

I wonder these things every time I have a session with my therapist. We both know that I am a very angry kid, but she doesn't know the whole reasoning behind my anger. I am in foster care, have been for a little over 2 months now. Whenever I have a session with my therapist, she tries to "help" me with my anger issues. She says that I need to decide if I will let my anger affect how I live the rest of my life; if I will make amends with my family.

She knows the reasoning behind my (and my siblings') entrance into foster care -- our mother was abusive. She physically abused my twin and me for four years, breaking bones, giving us black eyes, ripping handfuls of hair out. We didn't want our little siblings to suffer the same things we had.

My therapist does not know the details of my mothers' abusive actions, neither has she seen the video I took of my mother beating my sister- the one that got us into foster care.

I have great resentment towards my mother for her actions. I can't say that I hate her but I know that I do not love her either. I have been counting down for four years until my 17th birthday because I could then legally leave and she wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

Even though I am in foster care, I still find myself counting down. A little over 2 months left to go. I still do not want anything to do with my mom. I do not know if I can ever forgive her or not.

I know I am a very angry kid. How can I trust someone to help me move on past my anger, when they do not know my situation in all its entirety? I do know that I will not ever be able to completely move on with my life until I come to terms with everything that has happened.

Please, help me. I don't want to dwell on my horrible past for the rest of my life. I especially don't want to when I'm older and I decide to settle down. I want to be the kind of parent my mother never was to me. I'm afraid of becoming her.

I ask for help, to deal with my anger, to move on, to ensure a better future.