Why Did I Lose Control So Unexpectedly?

by Jim
(KY)

A little history on my situation: I don't come from a background of violence or fighting, I personally rarely even get mad, my blood pressure is fine, I don't drink, smoke, curse, or want to kill anybody.

My issue is this: After 19 years of parenting, my second son who is sixteen became angry and obstinate enough to actually take a swing at me. I was hit in the mouth and became mad enough that I actually hit him too. The whole scenario lasted a minute and was over except that law enforcement was called and I was removed from my home.

Now I'm under a Domestic Violence Order and have to undergo anger management. What causes a passive non-violent person to suddenly become enraged?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Jim, and thanks for telling your story here. You're asking a very good question, and an important one for you, in light of your circumstances. I will try to explain, with the little bit of information you have provided.

Here's how I think it might have happened:

1) You love your son, and he loves you.
2) That makes you both very vulnerable to being hurt and afraid.
3) Hurt and fear can easily trigger anger and even violence, and all of this can happen on a subconscious level in a split second.
4) When he hit you in the mouth, it triggered a "reptilian" reaction (fight or flight) in you, and you instinctively, without thinking, fought back. In the field of Emotional Intelligence research, this is called "emotional highjacking." You were "highjacked" by your own instinctive fight or flight reflex. This temporarily shut down your higher brain functions, allowing you to do something you otherwise would not have considered.

5) When the heat of the moment passed, your higher brain functions returned, and you probably felt remorse for your actions.

Regardless of why this happened, you are totally responsible for your actions, just as your son is.

I'm going to recommend some resources to you, just in case you're interested.

If you don't already have a plan for your anger management classes, check out this page that describes some alternatives to consider.

To better understand what's going on with your son, take a look at these two CD programs on teen anger and adolescent rites of passage. And here's an entire page on adolescent anger management.

Make up your mind to learn as much as you can from this, Jim. Use the experience to be a better man and a better father.

Believe in yourself and believe in your son.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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