Why Am I So Angry?
I am a senior in high school and I have always felt that I am more mature and grown up than my peers. I come from a family that has many problems and it seems to be passed on through the generations.
My mother has anger problems herself although she is now been seeking help but to me it doesn't really help. She has more of a violent anger. My father also has anger problems. He never wants to admit he has done anything wrong and when he gets angry he completely shuts down.
I grew up with my parents always fighting, although it only happened when my father was home. My father is in the military and since I was little he's barely been around, leaving my mother to practically raise me herself. When I was little I didn't care much but now that I am older I feel as though he loves his job more than me.
Also when I was younger I had a friend who I spent everyday with and one day he just got up and moved without saying goodbye. My angriest years were middle school. I couldn't control myself and through the many years I have picked up a few traits that are bad.
I'm a manipulator, I use people then shove them away when I'm done, I don't know how to love since I never saw it growing up, and I hate people getting in my space. I never regret what I say and sometimes I feel as though it makes me heartless, and although I learned to control my anger when I got into high school, my problems with control are starting to come back. I can't stand to be around people, I seems as though I have no friends, I yell at the littlest things.
Now let me not forget my trust issues, I trust no one and I feel as though I am the only one I can rely on. I have had to practically take care of myself and had no childhood. Now to the present. I can't talk to my father anymore because it feels as though I hate him. The one friend I thought I could trust broke my trust. In the last year I have lost my grandmother and a beloved dog.
I hate everything and everyone. I feel as though I am going to die alone. I hate myself but at the same time I love myself. I'm awful but I'm motherly at the same time. I do things that no one should be proud of but yet I feel no guilt, no remorse. I would never hit anyone because I'd rather tear them down from the inside. The only happiness I get is when I hang around my horses or my dogs and cats. Please tell me... why am I so angry?Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Lexus, and thanks for telling your story here. You are angry because you grew up with anger. It was all around you, and perpetrated on you. But it's not who you are.
All of the good things you love about yourself are a reflection of the good person you truly are. And the things you don't like about yourself are a reflection of the bad role models, the neglect and the abuse you've experienced.
I strongly encourage you to follow all of the recommendations you will find on this page
. Do each exercise consistently, until you start feeling better. Then do them again as needed. This will really help you, if you use the tools.
You are truly a good person, and the happiness you feel around your horses, dogs and cats reflects that goodness.
You can do this, Lexus. Believe in the goodness and the love in your heart. That is your true nature.
My very best to you,
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