Understanding The After Effects And How To Stop Lying

by Amanda
(Rochester, NY)

I have 3 children with my ex. He was abusive for the six years we were together, I left him over 11 years ago.

In the relationship I had to lie about the smallest, dumbest things just to avoid arguments, fights, etc. Now I've been with a really great guy who I don't need to lie to (we've been together for over 7 years). Yet when it comes to the smallest things I lie, and he has found that I lied.

And when I try to explain why, I don't know why. I don't want to use my past as an excuse, I want to not do it. Why do I do it, and how can I stop?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Amanda, and thanks for telling your story here. It is great that you want to tell the truth. That's because you're an honest person, and your integrity is important to you. You have told the truth here, and that is an excellent start.

One thought is, are you being true to yourself, about yourself? Have you looked honestly at your past experience, and how that has affected you? I think that's an important place to start. Use the journaling processes on this page to help you with that.

One reason people lie is that they don't feel that the truth of who they are is good enough. I suggest you look at our pages on self esteem and self love to get started on your journey to feeling very, very good about who you are, so that you will want to speak your truth.

I think it will also help you to look at these pages on relationships:

quotes on relationships
relationship advice
letting go of a relationship

And watch this great video, while imagining that the singer is singing to you.

Once you develop a more positive relationship with yourself, Amanda, you will want to speak your truth as a way of being loyal to the good person you are inside.

You can do this, and I believe you will.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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