Uncontrolled Anger And Irritability

by Anonymous

I get very angry and unfortunately a lot is directed at my five year old daughter. I get very impatient if she does not do as I say, fidget if I am trying to do her hair, and just does not listen.

I say things to hurt. I remind myself of my father. She is only 5. She does not deserve this. I see her now reacting like I do. Please help.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. You are a good person and a good mother, which is why you're reaching out for help here.

And you love your daughter, and want to protect her from your anger. That is all very, very good. I will do my best to help you.

1) First I want you to consider the possibility that there is nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing wrong with your daughter. What I mean by that is that you are both totally unique and beautiful beings, and the challenges of your relationship offer you wonderful opportunities for expansion and growth.

First, I will help you with your anger, then we'll focus on your relationship with your daughter.

Start by doing the journaling exercises on this page to review your personal history and write in detail about any personal trauma from your past. This is an essential first step to healing your anger.

Also begin immediately with the anger journaling process described on this page, in order to give your anger a safe "place to go." This is important, and will really help you.

Use these imagery processes for emotional healing to address and resolve the emotional trauma from any past experience you wrote about in the first exercise.

2) Now let's focus on how you can improve your relationship with your daughter. Use the positive journaling exercise on this page to begin shifting your focus to all of her good qualities and positive aspects. Do this daily and diligently, until you feel your perception of her starting to shift.

This visualization/imagination process will also help you tremendously. It is a kind of mental rehearsal, that is a very powerful tool for bringing about emotional and behavioral change in yourself:

1. Picture yourself, as if you were watching a movie, with your daughter in your normal daily routine, especially choose a scenario where you're likely to get angry.

2. Now (since you're the director of this movie), picture yourself cool, calm and collected. Notice a calm, relaxed posture and facial expression. Be aware that your breathing in your mental picture is relaxed, deep and even as you relate to your daughter.
3. Watch yourself as you move around and interact with her with a pleasant, easy manner. See yourself laughing and talking, or just staying quiet but having a good time, unruffled by anything she may do.
4. Keep working at this until you can picture all of this easily, with no anxiety or discomfort either in the mental picture or in your body.

Now you're going to take that image inside yourself and become it. Here's how it works:

1. Imagine that you are actually in the situation with your daughter, not picturing yourself from the outside.
2. Focus on your breathing, keeping it deep, even and relaxed. Breathe into your belly, not your chest, as you imagine yourself in the actual situation that provokes your anger and frustration.
3. Notice how your daughter responds to you as you remain relaxed and enjoying yourself. Imagine her being more relaxed and cooperative in direct response to your relaxed, easy state.
4. Be aware of your relaxed muscles and pleasant facial expression as you move easily and naturally through the entire scenario. Imagine yourself feeling a loving connection with your daughter, and enjoying her company.
5. Imagine yourself being that good mother you want to be.

This is a powerful and highly effective set of tools. The more you use them, the better they will work for you. If you don't use them, of course, they do nothing for you.

Make up your mind to be that good mother you want to be, and don't let anything stop you. These tools will help you connect with the good and amazing person you are inside, and bring her forth in your life on a consistent basis.

You can do this.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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