Trying To Forgive My Boyfriend

by Vanessa
(Sherman Oaks, California)

I was with my boyfriend for a year. He's never been the type to flirt with other girls. So just recently my friend told me that he had been seeing his ex girlfriend.

I remember there was flirting another time they saw each other, too. I confronted him about it and he admitted to it. I was good friends with his ex girlfriend and for both of them to do this was so awful. We didn't break up.

I'm still with him, and every time I think about this I cry.

I haven't forgiven him, and I don't trust him.

Should I still be with him?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Vanessa, and thanks for telling your story here. You're not going to be happy in this relationship until you get clear with what you want. You know your boyfriend has been unfaithful, and he (at least) was honest enough to admit it.

You ask if you should still be with him. That question shows that you aren't clear inside yourself as to what you want for yourself and your relationship. You need to find that out.

Write a full description of exactly what you want in a relationship, without thinking about your boyfriend. Just go for your ideal relationship, and describe it as if you thought you could have it.

Then describe your current relationship and see how they match up.

Also, do a personal review of significant past relationships--your parents and others who have been close to you, and see if you can see any patterns. You may be unconsciously repeating patterns from other influences.

Get clear with yourself, inside, Vanessa, and you will know what to do about your relationship. Take a look at these quotes on relationships to help you.

Your most important relationship is with yourself. When that one is clear, it will be easier to make decisions re. others.

You're supposed to be having fun, by the way. If your relationship with your boyfriend is a constant source of pain, that might be your answer. You are the only one who can decide.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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