The Rise Of Anger Within Me Is Strong
Rich Color From The Depths
I am a 51 year old single woman that has never been married (due to my choices)with extreme amounts of deep hidden anger that never seems to go away. I feel like since my work environment started going downhill 15 years ago because of a woman coworker bully, it has brought my anger more and more to the forefront which now is making me feel like the ugly person.
My mother and father both were physically and verbally abusive my entire childhood. I emulate my father’s temper which is, to remain calm and quiet and peaceful, try to ignore, let it tear me up inside physically and mentally and then flip out because I keep going over how badly I'm being treated.
I reported the issue several times of this woman harassing me and they do nothing. I have chosen friends that were controlling and condescending to me from childhood, until recently I finally got the courage to cut loose after realizing I was condoning and accepting their abuse and ridicule because it was all I knew and was my normal.
My sister died unexpectedly from hospital error when she was in her 30s. That leveled me to the floor boards and increased my deep hidden anger build up even more. I have come a long way from that weird quiet little kid into a strong independent woman who fears commitment and being controlled. Anybody now that disrespects me I get livid and have no tolerance for.
When things build up at work in my very stressful, demanding job I feel my temper rising very fast in my insides of my chest, like I'm going to explode. Once or twice I actually did flip out at my work screaming when I heard the bully call me names again. I've tried to ignore it for over 15 years to be the better person.
My temper is more prevalent in my lifetime at this moment, now that I am aware of and it really upsets me. It’s in me and doesn't go away. I feel like all my life circumstances have contributed to where I am now.
Am I rediscovering myself and taking back my control? I can be laughing and enjoying myself, feel at peace and relaxed and then bam somebody does something or says something that triggers something in me so fast I feel this extreme fierce anger building up rising to the surface. When it's done and I regroup several hours later, I say I can do better next time, but I never seem to be able even though I so desperately try!
I have gone to therapists on and off for years, meditation, yoga, now church and currently take 5-HTP, which has helped tremendously in other areas of depression. I'm a fighter and tell myself constantly that this chose me, I did not choose it. I feel like it’s part of my soul and physical being - uncontrollable by me. I'm even getting angry with God at times, questioning so many things, but I check myself quickly.
I think anger issues go very, very deep in people and to root out and eliminate it is like trying to quit an addiction--that's how powerful a hold it has. I am a loving, giving good person who tries to better herself in every way, and this is the one area I really could use some help and advice in. That’s why I was researching the topic online. Thank you.