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The Man I'm With Is A Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde

by Katherine
(Australia)

I have become involved with a man I worked with years ago. Everyone who knows him says he is the nicest man they have ever met. He is friendly, kind, loves animals and goes out of his way to help people.

We have been in a relationship for 4 months now. He is absolutely wonderful most of the time. He compliments me, pays for everything, cooks, is very affectionate, loves spending time with me and we have so much in common. I have never felt so loved in all my life.


Very soon into the relationship he said that he wants to get married and have children and he doesn't want to waste any more time. He even told me to quit work, which for the most part, I have. He is now starting to say that maybe we should wait to get married because "what will our families think?" and wait for children because we should be enjoying our time together first.

The problem is, when I even so much as have a slightly different opinion to his, he gets angry. I feel as though I can't express myself, or my feelings, in this relationship unless they are happy and positive. If I give him the slightest hint that I am not happy about something, he gets angry and tells me to "*@#$" off, and to "leave and try and get someone better" because he is the best.

He is very narcissistic and talks about himself all the time. At first I thought it was cute but now it is getting boring. I have the feeling that the only way this relationship will survive is if I just nod and agree with everything he says. I have been doing that but even still we will fight.

He is always very weary of questions. Our last argument started because I asked him why did he buy peanut butter when he is allergic to peanuts. Another one started when I asked him why he chews Nicobate chewing gum when he never was a smoker. He said I shouldn't question him.

The other thing is that every ex girlfriend he has ever had is still in contact with him. They are always ringing him and he says they want him back. He has told me that with all his girlfriends in the past, as soon as he notices their feelings change, he looks at other women and cheats on them.

He says that because they accuse him of it, he might as well do it anyway. I feel as though it is only a matter of time before he does it to me. He tells me I am different because he has loved me from the first time he saw me, fifteen years ago and thought of me the whole time. He was actually living with a girl when we started seeing each other so things don't look good.

The hard thing about this situation is that the majority of the time, our relationship is absolutely wonderful and I adore him, however, I can feel myself losing interest in him now and it is making me very sad. I can't discuss this with him because he will only just come out with his "%$#% off and leave" comment.

I really need some advice because on the one hand I think of all the wonderful times we have together. We laugh so much and have a really great time and there is so much love between us. On the other hand though, the bad times are really bad. I just can't make any sense of his behaviour and I don't know how to handle it or if there is anything I can do to help it.

Please help me make some sense of this!




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Katherine, and thanks for telling your story here. Reading your story, I can tell that you're a bright person. I think you already know what is going on, and you probably know what you need to do, but just maybe don't want to do it.

The relationship you describe is not healthy. You are not being respected, and at times you are being verbally abused and emotionally abused.

I want you to consider that you are worthy of respect all of the time, not just some of the time. Only you can decide what to do about your relationship. I encourage you to read the following pages, and hopefully that will help you to make your decision:

how to deal with abusive relationships
letting go of a relationship

I am sure you will do the right thing for yourself, Katherine. Make up your mind to create the best possible life and the best possible relationships for yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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