Teen Relationship

by Anonymous

I get angry when my partner talks to other males in front of me. I try to control my anger but I just end up hitting her. We've dated for a year and 8 months but recently she broke up with me for being jealous. I want her back, but I need to prove to her that I have changed. How do I control this terrible anger that controls me?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for asking for help here. It is good that you want to control your anger. You're smart and healthy enough to know you can't go on hurting people like you have hurt your partner.

You say that you want to prove to her that you have changed. What have you done to change? It takes a lot of hard work on yourself to break patterns of physical abuse. You need to get some professional help in dealing with your anger--I'm concerned that what I can offer you here will not be enough.

Just in case this is the only help you're willing to get, I'll do my best to help you.

Here is what I recommend:

1) Start by using this the journaling exercise on this page. This includes writing about past trauma, anger writing, and writing about the good things in your life. I highly recommend that you do this.

2) Also, practice these anger management techniques on a regular daily basis, over and over until you get really good at them.

3) You might want to also take a look at this page on teenage anger management, to learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger.

Focus on the best things about yourself, your partner and your life. A lot of anger comes from too much focus on what is wrong.

One thing I want to say very clearly here...if you can't stop hitting your partner, then stay away from her. You are hurting yourself as well as her when you allow your anger to take over to the point of physical violence.

You're a good person, which is why you want things to change. Don't just "try to get her back." Make up your mind to get healthy. That is all that matters at this point. You need to stay out of close intimate relationships until you have healed emotionally and learned to control your anger.

You can do this. Make up your mind that you're going to get healthy and treat others with respect at all times.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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