Raising my Children During Recovery

by Anna

The hardest thing I have ever done was to raise my two sons while going through my recovery from my childhood. There were no "how to" manuals that followed them out of the birth canal. The lessons I had learned from my own parents left me feeling confused and inadequate. I was lost in a maze of struggling with how I had been raised and trying to learn a better way to raise my own children.

When my children were very little I found myself transforming into my own mother. I felt detached, cold, and unable to feel close to them. I remember going through the motions of hugging them, talking to them and taking care of their needs, but I wasn't doing it with the kind of love and warmth that I knew they needed.

I started saying things to my children that echoed my own mother's voice. I was aware of the fact that I was saying the same things to my children that she had said to me as I was growing up, but I felt unable to stop it. Most of the time, I felt that there really wasn't a "me." I had no self. I was my mother, and as hard as I tried, I couldn't seem to pull myself out of it. That's when I realized that I needed help and that I just couldn't do it on my own. I refused to go on parenting my own children the same way that I had been parented.

The first thing I did was to visit the bookstores and buy self-help books and recordings. I bought books and recordings on facing and recovering from childhood and past traumas, parenting, building a healthy family, and marriage. I had a whole shelf full of recovery books from every book store in the area. I also got books and recordings from the library. Every night I would read at least one chapter out of the books or listen to at least one recording. I also joined a support group and found a counselor. I wrote out an affirmation script about parenting and I read it every day.

There were times when my childhood and past memories were so overwhelming that I considered suicide. It scares me how many times I came close to actually ending my life. At those times always, I would see my children's faces and know that no matter how bad it got, I could not leave my children. I could not allow my children to go through life knowing that their mother killed herself. Those little faces kept me alive. I told myself that I could do it for my children. I could do it for those precious little souls who looked up to me with so much trust and innocence.

Little by little, I noticed a change in how I was treating my children. It was hard, but I was starting to become a better mother. Being a better mother became a quest for me, and no matter how depressed or devastated I was feeling if I could reach my goal of being a good mother, my life was worth it.

When my children got older, I sat them down and told them that I was sorry for anything bad that I did or said to them while they were growing up. They both told me that they thought I had been a good mother and that they remembered me giving them a lot of attention and love. That meant more to me than anything else I had ever accomplished in my life. Nothing I can ever do will be as important to me as how I caught myself being a "not so good" Mom while my children were still little, and turned it around to learning to be a better parent. I know that I was not a perfect mother, and I don't think that I will ever achieve that. I wonder sometimes if my children have issues because of me and what I went through in my recovery. However, I know that I can feel proud of myself for working on changing old dysfunctional family patterns, at least in myself.

On one of my oldest son's birthdays after he was grown, he looked at me and said, "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, Mom." I looked back at him and said, "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, either." He looked at me confused for a moment and then just went on to open his presents.

My children gave me a reason to change and recover. My children gave me a reason to live and I will always be grateful that God allowed them to come into this world through me. They are the greatest gifts that I have ever received.