Possessive And Controlling

by Jenny
(Australia)

I have been in a relationship with a younger man for the last year. I relocated interstate to be with him recently. Ever since we have moved in together, things have not been going well. We are having bad fights every two weeks.

My background is that I am alone in this country. I don't have any family or good friends here. I work 5 days a week and my partner works 6. He has friends here who he always spends time with.

I dislike seeing him smoking or taking drugs. So it really makes me furious when he does such things. I also like to spend time with him whenever he is free but he thinks that this is controlling and possessive.

He expressed last night after a major argument that I am not a good woman as I am living in with him. He also said he was younger and I should be ashamed of it. He said I was possessive as he feels I restrict him from being with his friends.

This morning he said he knew I couldn't stay here without him and that if he leaves this country I would leave too. He said he is all geared up to ruin my life and career here.

Please kindly advise, as I am very tired of these constant quarrels. And I am very, very hurt

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Jenny, and thanks for telling your story here. You will not be able to have a healthy, happy relationship with someone who uses drugs and verbally abuses you. And it is possible that your relationship is codependent, where you place his needs above your own, and resent him for it.


I strongly encourage you to read the following pages on relationships:

quotes on relationships
relationship advice
letting go of a relationship

And begin the journey of self love and nurturing your inner child. If you don't make yourself valuable and important, it's unreasonable to expect your partner to. You have to take care of yourself, as ultimately no one else can.

In the above referenced pages, Jenny, you will find exercises involving journaling and emotional healing. I encourage you to use those tools to get more in touch with yourself, and to raise your self esteem.

Believe in yourself and the good person you are. Make up your mind that you're going to have a good life, and only stay in relationships where you are treated with love, kindness and respect.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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