My19 Year Old Son Doesn't Want To Do Anything

by SK
(London)

My 19 year old son lives with us. He doesn't show interest in anything, not studying, work, or housework. I don't know how to deal with him.

He lies about everything & never tells the real story. He has been suspended from his part time job. He failed 1st year of university. He didn't tell us, I just found out from someone else.

I'm very worried & I don't know how to make him understand that he is messing around with his life. How to stop him lying to us and to himself? Please help.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello SK, and thanks for telling your story here. I know you care about your son, and that's why you told your story on this site. You want to do the right thing for him. I will try to help.

He is a young adult, and he needs to make his own decisions. As his mother, the best thing you can do is require him to move out on his own as soon as possible. The longer he stays in your home and continues to be dishonest and unproductive, the worse things will get. I don't think he will get better until he's out on his own.

The hard part is, of course, kicking him out and being afraid he will crash and burn. You may just have to take that risk, that's for you to decide. You do need to know, however, that letting him stay in your home and paying his way while he lies and does nothing--that is no good for you or him.


You can tell him that he needs to get productive, or move out, but you'll need to follow through. I know that telling him to move out seems extreme and harsh, and the only reason I am encouraging you to consider it is that I've never seen these situations end well as long as the young adult stays in the parents' home.

Whatever decision you make, it needs to be something that you can live with.

I wish you all the best as you face your challenging situation.

Believe in yourself and your son. Expect the best to come from all of this. Use the positive journaling exercise on this page to help you with your positive focus, and read the following pages to help you with your decision:

quotes on relationships
letting go of a relationship
tough love

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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