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My Need For Revenge Is Hurting My Relationship

by Anonymous

Justice Must Be Served

Justice Must Be Served



I recently found out that my girlfriend of one year, the love of my life was raped a few months before I even met her. She is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. They do not get softer, sweeter or more caring than this woman.

On the opposite side of the table there's me. I'm her polar opposite probably why we attract. I've struggled with anger issues my entire life and have the inability to let go of any wrong doings until justice is served. That justice is whatever I feel carries equal to greater weight of what was originally done.

So back to her, after she had told me what happened I was outraged, hurt, sad, angry. I want to hurt this person something fierce. However she refuses to give me his name. So now I find myself becoming angry with her--the victim, the love of my life because she doesn't trust me with his name and she herself doesn't seek justice.

How can you not want to break this man’s knees!! So I find myself on this site tonight because after a month I can't let it go. It came back up tonight and the rage I am feeling is overwhelming. My heart is pounding, my stomach is in knots and no matter how hard I try to focus on her to help her and ease her pain I am so caught up in revenge mode. And angry she won't give me his name.

Even when I promise to do nothing I just want a name for closure she won’t give it to me in fear of what I might do and the repercussions it would have on me. I'm furious with him and want revenge. I want to cause him harm, and I'm upset with her because she doesn't want this and won't even trust me with his name.



This is completely tearing me apart and almost creating a wedge in our relationship. This is unbelievably selfish of me but I don't know how to extinguish these feelings.

It's like the only thing that will make me ok is knowing who this person is. I'm at wits end over this and I don't even know what to say to her anymore.

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Jan 30, 2017
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Some Thoughts To Consider
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for submitting your story here. Your feelings are completely understandable. Of course you want justice to be served, and for the violator to suffer the consequences for his actions. Those feelings are completely natural.

The thing is, you have other feelings too. You love and respect your girlfriend. How big are those feelings? They need to be bigger than your desire for revenge, or you become part of the problem rather than the solution.

By overriding her wishes to seek revenge or some kind of inner satisfaction for yourself, you are actually becoming a type of violator yourself, which is certainly not what you want.

Your desire and need for revenge are too big. They are fueled by some kind of inner rage that stems from something unresolved within you.

If you really want to get past this and not destroy your relationship with your girlfriend, then do the exercises on this page. Follow all of the instructions, and do the exercises daily, until you start to feel some relief.

Your basic nature is love. Hopefully through this process you can return to your loving nature, and allow the natural justice of life to make sure that all wrongdoers face the consequences of their actions...because I assure you they do.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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