My Mother Is Beyond Mean To My Niece

by Jenifer
(Fort Lauderdale)

I'm a preschool teacher so I feel like I've got a good handle on positive parenting, but I'm not sure how to handle my mother who helps my sister with my niece.

My mother has adopted a child and seems to be dealing with her just fine. After school my mom gets both girls from the bus stop and what feels like every week she or my niece is calling me to tell me about some fight they had.

My niece is not a bad child for anyone but my mother and my mother has always made small things into big deals. I'm worried that it might soon become more than just my mother yelling and calling names like b*tch.

My little sister does not fall into this abuse from what I can tell. Help.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Jenifer, and thanks for telling your story here. Your situation is challenging, since you are wanting someone else to change. I will offer some suggestions, and I hope it helps.

One thought is that your mother is pulling you into the middle of this, because you are the one that she and your niece call when problems arise. Without realizing it, you may be in a rescuer position in a victim-persecutor-rescuer triangle. If that is the case, it would be good for you to stop rescuing. Your sister, the child's mother, needs to be handling this issue with your mother.

( By the way, if you think your mother is ever being physically abusive to your niece, then you need to report her to Child Protective Services--and you might want to tell her first, to give her a chance to change.)

I know you have the best of intentions, Jenifer, but you may be unintentionally adding to the problem. If you think it makes any sense at all, consider staying out of the triangle for a while. Tell your sister and your mother what you're doing, and then stop taking your mother or your niece's calls when they have problems.


The situation may escalate for a while, then get better--or it may not get better at all. However, it's not getting better now, and something needs to change. Your behavior is the only thing you have control over, so that's why I'm suggesting a change that you can make personally.

Meanwhile, trust your mother, sister and niece to sort this out on their own without your input. Believe in them. If you find this difficult to do, then it's clear that you are caught up in the rescuer position, and you may very well be adding to the problem without meaning to.

If you have unresolved anger toward your mother, that could also be complicating the situation. Try the three journaling exercises on this page, to review past trauma, focus your anger, and shift your attention to the good things in your life.

And finally, focus on yourself, and create as much joy, love and fulfillment in your own life as you possibly can.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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