My Husband Cheated

by Anonymous

I am angry. I love my husband but I do not know how he could have done this to us. I don't know how to deal with this.

I have become someone that I don't understand. I found out about his affair after several months of clues and denial. I asked him, I confronted him and he denied everything. The truth came in the form of our cell phone bill. I put it in front of him and he finally broke down. He admitted to all of it. During the year prior there were several times that I asked him about different events and he would always say I was crazy.

I really began to believe that I was.

I feel so betrayed. We have 5 children that at the time I found out were ages 3-15. Now, 2 years later - I thought I could forgive him. I have bent over backwards to make our life together better. I started to get up and make him breakfast at 5am and talk with him. I pack his lunch and tell him to have a good day - I love you. He has said he will never do this again and that many of these little changes I have done make a real difference. He says he no longer thinks of her and that it is over.

It took me calling this woman after 2 months of fighting with my husband about the affair to get them to quit talking. I watched the cell phone bill, I found out in December before Christmas and his last call to her was in February. I called her and explained my feelings, my children's anger at my husband and asked her why she would want to hurt her husband with this whole mess.

My husband actually called her that same day and she didn't tell him that I had called. When I told him what I had done he was so angry. He said I had ruined everything. I still think about that. What if I hadn't called. Would he still be chasing her? Now, 2 years later, he says he will never do this again. I am so suspicious. I can't relax. I try to do the right things, but I know that I wasn't enough before so why not just do this again?

This woman told me if things didn't work out with my husband, she would be moving. She is still in town. I absolutely hate this woman! She followed our family everywhere and I couldn't figure out what was going on. My husband still says she chased him, but he called her. Now, after 2 years, I find myself wondering what I fought for. My husband has done this before, am I this stupid?

I am angry with myself and with him. I find myself screaming and crying every day. The more my husband tries to be nice, that angrier I get. I fly off the handle at him and then cry. I have cried every day for the last year. I can't get over the picture of them together and the thought that he threw everything we have built together away. I want to do the "right thing" for our kids - I don't want to fight any more.

I wonder if I should just leave - they may be better off without me. I am a mess, I don't want them to see me like this. As their mother, I love them enough to not want them to become like me - angry and ugly. I am constantly upset. This isn't the way I want them to see me. I have a hole in my heart and even when my husband says he loves me I don't believe him. I can't believe anything he says. I want to forgive him but don't know how to forget. How can I get over this?


Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. You have every reason to be angry. Everything you say makes perfect sense, except the idea of leaving your children.

You are not the problem, although I know you feel that way. You say that after you found out about the affair, you bent over backwards to your life together better.

How hard did he work to make things better after the affair was revealed? It sounds a little like you're doing all the hard work. You can't fix this by yourself. He has to be willing to do his part.

I'm not going to talk about your husband here. I'm going to try to help you get clear about what you feel, and then you will make good decisions regarding your future.

Here is what I recommend:

1) Write a detailed description of what you lost when you discovered the affair. What I mean is, write about what you believed about your husband and your marriage before you learned that he betrayed you.

2) Once you have a complete description of your "pre-affair" marriage, it is time to begin letting that go. That picture of your marriage that included fidelity and a husband who would not betray you, is over. You have to grieve and say goodbye to that view of your marriage.

3) Create a little private funeral ceremony, and find a symbol that represents that deceased perception of your marriage. Bury the symbol and say goodbye.

4) Now let's move on to how you can feel better in your current marriage as it is, post-affair.

Here is a process for you to do some healing, release your anger, and start feeling better and more positive about your future.

1) Use the writing process on this page to review your past pain, hurt and trauma (prior to your marriage and the affair).

2) Start this anger journaling process, and keep doing it daily until you start feeling better. Then do it again any time you start feeling angry again. It gives you a safe and healthy place to put your anger, where it's not rattling around inside you, and not harming your family.

(This next part assumes you are choosing to stay in your marriage.)

3) Now it's time to start shifting your focus to what is good, right and working--about you, your life in general, your children, your husband and your marriage. Do the positive journaling process described on this page to re-train your brain to the brighter part of your past, present and future.

This process will definitely help you, if you do it. These are tools, and they only work if you use them.

Believe in yourself. Do this work for you, and for your children. If your husband is a good and a smart man, he will see the good person you are and treat you well and faithfully.

You also might find this CD program to be helpful.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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