My Anger Is Upsetting My Marriage

by Anonymous

Within the last five months, I have become extremely sensitive to everything. I take things out on everyone, and I am always fighting. My defense mechanism is to attack by degrading the other person and I feel as though I recognize the behavior as bad but continue to do it!

I don't know what to do. I think if I don't change it is going to ruin my marriage.

I get upset because I feel overwhelmed and then take it out on my husband. He is amazing. And I know when I am doing acting this way I cant stop! Help!

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for your story. It is good that you are looking at yourself, and that you want to change your behavior. You don't like your behavior because it doesn't match up with who you are inside. You are a good person, and when you hurt others, you are hurting yourself.

I want you to begin writing daily from the part of your that attacks and degrades other people. Get it all out on paper, and don't hold back or be nice. Let that part of you have full expression.

Also, picture it in your mind, and recognize that it is a protector part of you, that has become destructive. There's a whole chapter in my book Anger Among Angels about the destructive protector, and how to transform it into a Loving Protector. Thank it for its efforts to protect you, and tell it that you are in charge and you're going to protect yourself in healthy, loving ways. If you feel ready, embrace it with love, and see if it shrinks--or even turns into a child.

Keep journaling daily from your anger, and add the other types of journaling you will find described on this page. I strongly suggest you practice all of those writing exercises regularly until you find yourself feeling better and treating people with respect. Especially be sure and do the positive journaling part, where you are writing about what you like and appreciate about yourself and others in your life--especially your husband.

If you have emotional wounding in your past, also do the imagery exercises on this page, and they will help you with your emotional healing.

You can do this. Never give up on yourself. These tools really work, if you use them.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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P.P.S. If you got something of value here, We would also greatly appreciate it if you would provide a written testimonial about the site, Dr. DeFoore's help, or one of our products.

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My Anger Is Upsetting My Marriage

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Dec 23, 2009
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To Anonymous
by: Anna

Hi. You are so brave to write about being irritated with your husband. You said that it started within the last five months though. What happened five months ago?

When my husband and I were first married we used to get very irritated with each other. Both of us were suffering from PTSD and we just weren't treating each other as good as we should have. We both read Bill DeFoore's book about anger and decided to do the anger releasing exercises together. Every time I wanted to blow up at him and every time he wanted to blow up at me, we'd go punch pillows instead. I'm not sure how many pillows we went through doing this, but it definitely worked.

After we got a lot of our unresolved childhood and past anger out, we started to get along a lot better. I really believe that most of the problems people find in their marriages can be traced back to unresolved childhood and past memories. My parents fought a lot when I was a child. I guess I grew up thinking that a lot of fighting in a marriage was just normal. I'm glad that I found out a better way to get my anger out.

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