My Anger Is So Unreasonable My 4 Year Old Daughter Is Afraid Of Me

by Rena
(Oklahoma)

I'm 43 years old. I have always had a problem with anger and even now I've elevated to rage. I feel like I must be mentally ill.

I see a counselor once a month, I suffer from chronic pain resulting from surgery for a broken back, 2 cases of cancer, then having a baby. All of this within a 5 year period.



My counselor urges me to count when I feel like I'm becoming angry, put myself in time out and practice deep breathing, try meditation. I do count and also have used time outs and deep breathing. I have no success with meditation, my mind won't shut up long enough to be successful with this method.

I have to see a Psychiatrist or a Doctor who prescribes me medication for depression and anxiety. He has mentioned that it sounds like I'm bipolar, but the definition is thrown around too much just to use as a diagnosis on the paperwork. I must see him one time every 4-5 weeks in order for me to receive the free counseling and to receive that service I also must be taking medication to treat the symptoms.

I'm so tired of drugs and no apparent change in my behavior. Also, I take several drugs a month and I really don't like taking Xanax or Valium along with the Methadone (for pain) as I MUST be alert for my daughter's safety as well as my own.

My anger, rage comes suddenly, I SNAP at something as minor as running late and my daughter not hurrying fast enough. I am ALWAYS running by the seat of my pants to make it to an appointment or to get my daughter to pre-k. I am always just barely on time or a few minutes late. Not acceptable and I am annoyed by people who are late when I'm ready.

I have such a long long story...



Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Rena, and thanks for telling your story here. I can't be totally sure, but I think I might have some techniques that will be truly helpful to you, if you use them.

I suggest you do the journaling described on this page, to review your past trauma, contain your anger, and begin retraining your mind to focus on the good in you and your world. There are three processes described there, followed by a slide show. The slides explain the positive "Goodfinding" journaling process, and this will be very helpful to you if you use it.

You are also a candidate for an Anger Class Online. I highly recommend that you check these out and see if they feel right to you. You can choose from 8 hour to 26 hour classes, all done online.

If you don't do anything else, be sure and do the journaling processes. Do it consistently for at least 21 days, and I think you will get some good results.

Believe in yourself, Rena. Taking good care of yourself needs to be your top priority, which will be good for your daughter.

You can do this. You're a good person, and that's why you want to change. Connect with the goodness in your heart every day, and try to stay focused there.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

P.S. If you found this to be helpful, please consider making a donation to this site to support our mission.

Comments for My Anger Is So Unreasonable My 4 Year Old Daughter Is Afraid Of Me

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Sep 10, 2016
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Borderline Personality Disorder
by: Theresa

I realize these posts are a few years old but I’d like to respond anyway maybe it my help someone. I am a woman my early 30s and have a 7 year old child. Like the original poster, I have had serious issues with rage and emotional instability.

I was categorized as depressed as a teen then bi-polar as a young adult and most recently have been treated for anxiety. I've taken herbal supplements and prescription drugs and taught myself different coping mechanisms but nothing really helped and things got progressively worse over time. Even with all my problems my child is beautiful, intelligent and well adjusted for the most part.

It has come to my attention in the past few days that I may be suffering from severe Borderline Personality Disorder. And that both my parents likely have the same disorder. For the first time everything makes sense.

I never thought I was depressed or anxious but I knew deep down something was wrong. I felt completely empty as if I didn't exist and the only emotions I experience are anger and sadness. I'm not sure whether it's hereditary, learned behavior from caregivers or a combination of both but I do not want to pass this on to my child. I see how I'm beginning to affect her and it saddens me.

Borderline Personality is characterized by:

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as having unsafe sex, gambling or binge eating
Unstable or fragile self-image
Unstable and intense relationships
Up and down moods, often as a reaction to interpersonal stress
Suicidal behavior or threats of self-injury
Intense fear of being alone or abandoned
Ongoing feelings of emptiness
Frequent, intense displays of anger
Stress-related paranoia that comes and goes

Mar 27, 2013
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I have a three year old son.... I'm a single mom
by: Anonymous

I put so much pressure on my three year old because of a lot of my personal issues growing up. I feel like he tries so hard to not make me mad that it's just killing me in the inside. I want to go do fun stuff with him but if he doesn't do it near perfect then I get pissed off quick. He is only three and I feel like he walks around on egg shells. How do I reverse this situation because it hurts my heart that I do this. I see him suffer because of how I act towards him. It's killing the bond we used to have and he is becoming a follower and it upsets me because I've always been a leader.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

I'm so glad you commented here, and asked for help. The reason it hurts your heart is that your heart is good, and you want to be a good mother to your son. One important thing is that you don't revolve your world around him...you need to have your own life, with friends and activities...otherwise you'll keep expecting more of him than he can be.

Please read this page about the angry mother, which will give you all of the guidelines and exercises you need to heal your anger and learn to be the good mom you want to be.

You can do this. Believe in yourself, and take these steps. I believe in your good heart.

Nov 16, 2011
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Make the change now before long term damage is done.
by: Lesley

Message to Rena,
Sorry to hear your problem with anger, I think many adults can identify with it, and you are definitely not alone in this issue.
Unfortunately it is your nearest and dearest who is going to suffer, and a little four year old cannot do much in the face of an adult who is yelling or physically hurting them.
I think it would help to not get so uptight about timing, better late than never is my motto, and also try to get out together just to spend quality time doing fun things to rebuild trust.

A breath of fresh air is also good for our nervous systems and helps you put things into perspective.

Put off tidying and organising until the evening when little one is in bed.

Make sure she has a good bed time and feeding routine. If you organise yourself in the day before like sorting out her next days clothes planning her meals ect, it will help your days go smoother.
Also cook up a few good quality home cooked meals and freeze them in batches so when rushed off your feet you can just cook from frozen.

Lastly for your anger issues Try NLP. and a Homeopath.

You will begin to address the root of your problem and allow healing on a slower but much more natural deeper and rounded
level without harsh drugs such as the ones you are taking.
Valium also can cause severe mood swings, avoid them at all costs.

It is better to save the money for NLP and a homeopath than fork out on lots of toys at christmas because of your guilt. It would be money better spent making your self a better parent who has a loving and happy relationship with your daughter. Thats the best gift you can give her.

I wish you the best in love light and healing for the two of you.

Lesley from the UK




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