Losing Ones I Care For Because Of Rage
(Orlando FL USA)
My fiance' just left me two days ago because my anger absolutely scares her. When I sang or screamed in a band I was in it allowed me to release the tension I feel clouding my chest. Now that I'm a little older and no longer play, I find myself screaming all the time about nothing. Everything seems to annoy me at times, especially when I'm not in the right frame of mind.
I also have severe emotional ties to my grandfather who abandoned my mother and me due to a will. I was told he'd been waiting for me to show up the night he passed away. I've also stayed in Florida for more time than I honestly would like to.
I've chosen to stay because my father has cancer and can no longer take care of his home like he used to. That is another reason my fiance left. I just want to free myself from this demon and live like a normal person without going crazy over even the smallest things. It has cost me jobs, relationships and friendships. I choose to no longer live this way.
Can you help me through this? I'm not sure where to start.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Daniel, and thanks for telling your story here. Your story touches me. I think you're a good man, and I will try to help you.
You need to revisit the powerful stories of your life. Write a letter to your grandfather, telling him everything you feel, good, bad and in between. Get it all out. Then answer in another letter, as if you were him. Use your imagination to get in touch with what he wanted to say to you and perhaps never did. Do this in as many sittings as you need to, until you have let go. Use these grieving processes to help.
Your screaming is there for a reason. Use the journaling processes described on this page to uncover the stories behind your rage and anger. There's nothing wrong with you. It's all in your stories.
This imagery exercise will also help you:
1) Come up with a mental picture of your anger. Keep searching for an image until you have a clear picture in your mind. Amplify it, making it larger than life, even if it is cartoon-like. It needs to fully embody your anger, so that it is completely consumed and illustrates exactly how you feel when you're filled with rage. Keep going until you know for sure that it is accurate and really "captures" your emotion.
2) While picturing it in your mind, say this to it: "I can see that you are a part of me. I created you a long time ago, for my protection. If I let you run my life, you will destroy it. I'm not going to try to kill you or make you go away. You have a place here, but you're not going to be in charge any more. I'm taking over, which will keep both of us safe. I know you're strong, but your strength belongs to me, and I choose to use it for good things."
3) Notice how the image responds or changes in your mind while you say these things. Keep working with it in this way until you begin to see a healthy anger image start to emerge. Ultimately, you want to transform it into a loyal ally--that's what happens when your anger is healthy.
4) Every time you start to get angry, picture this image of your anger--keep at it until you can see it clearly. This is called "See It Don't Be It," and it will help you to manage your anger.
Believe in yourself and the goodness in your heart, Daniel.
These tools work, I promise you. I use them personally, and I have used them professionally to help thousands of people. Like any tools, don't use them and they're useless. Use them once, you'll get some benefit and then you'll forget and return to your old patterns. Use them repeatedly and diligently, and you'll get amazing results.
My very best to you,