I've Been Terrorizing My Child And I Want To Stop
I am a single parent of an eight year old. I work two jobs and go to school full time. I am 46 years old. I am single. The love of my life died in 1999 from A.E.A. As a child my step-father was verbally abusive and had an explosive temper.
Today I had "an episode". I went in and woke my little boy and left two muffins on his TV stand by his bed. When he came into the living room he said he was hungry. I assumed he had eaten the muffins, so I poured him some rice crispies.
He got really mad and threw a fit saying "I wanted my muffins!" I absolutely flipped out. I started screaming "Your stupid fxxxxxx muffins are in your room!" So he goes in there and smashes them on his bed.
I had just the night before washed all his bedding down to the mattress because he threw up from eating too many cookies, so really got mad and told him that if he messed up his bed I was going to kick his ass. It just got worse after that. I kept getting more angry and violent. I threw his clothes at him so that the cereal flew all over the table.
I kept screaming at him and cussing. Finally I told him I knew he had lied to me the day before about something that had happened at school and told him he was grounded from the computer for two days. He wrenched his shoes off and threw them. I made him put them back on and I took him to school.
Now I am completely guilt ridden about it. I have bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and PTSD. I take several medications but obviously they are not enough.
Please help me.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Tracy, and thanks for telling your story here. I am so glad that you're reaching out for help here. I really hope that what I suggest will help you to manage your anger better so that you can stop hurting your child. Thank you for being the kind of person to know that this is wrong, and for asking for help.
First, it is extremely important that you follow all of the recommendations on this FAQ page. These are powerful techniques, especially the journaling and imagery. You have to use them consistently and sincerely to get the results you need.
I also suggest you work on releasing the influence of your parents. You will find some guidelines for that process on #9 of our FAQ page. You are a good person inside, and you do not want to hurt your child. That's why you wrote your story on this site.
Believe in the goodness in your heart Tracy, and do everything I've recommended, and you will find some improvement. If this does not help you enough, and you find yourself continuing to hurt your child, please try to find some counseling in your area to help you. Medication alone is not enough to effectively treat the kind of problems you're having. At best, medication takes the edge off of some of the symptoms.
Even though your anger is out of control, you're still a good person. That's why you felt guilty, and that's why you reached out for help here. You are not alone. There are many other parents who have had these struggles. You are one of the ones who has acknowledged that you have a problem and asked for help. Congratulations to you for that. Now take the next steps and do what I recommend.
There is a very wounded little girl inside you, and she needs your attention, love and healing.
You can do this, Tracy. You've got what it takes to be a good, loving mother and a good person.
My very best to you,
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