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In Abusive Relationship For 9 Years

by Catherine
(Tanzania)

Hi Dr. My name is Catherine, I have been married for 11 years now. My first 2 years of marriage were good ones. Since I got pregnant with my second born that's when I noticed that my husband is abusive as he slapped me and push me to the wall while he knew that I was pregnant.

I did not take any action apart from crying over and over and chose to be submissive to him. During the fifth year the situation became worse as he became very alcoholic and violent. He would come home at wee hours everyday and when asked about that, he would always beat me severely. I noticed that he was having affairs with other women, but again if I tried to ask the result were always beatings.


Recently I decided to take some minor actions like reporting him to my relatives and his relatives so he stopped beating me. Currently he is abusing me verbally and emotionally and I can tell this is more painful than violence. Nearly every day I cry at night because whenever he comes home he must make sure that he gets something to start nagging me about. I understand he is trying to kill my confidence in every way.

He wants me to consult him in EVERYTHING including what I wear! He does not want to see me having any relationship with my work mates, he never allows me to visit friends. Any time he sees any male in my pictures or if I mention any male name at home he says I have affairs with those men! He does not want so see me texting with my phone, and any time I speak with anybody he would want to know who was the person.

I am like in chains that I cannot describe here. Even when I speak to my relatives he would ask who was that and what were you talking about? He also questions me about how I spend my money. Most of the time I am the one who buys food for the family, any time he sees me with anything new of my own like a pair of shoes, dress etc...he needs to know the cost and claims that if it's shoes I have enough shoes and why did I bought another pair.

Dr. that's my miserable full of chains life! I wish to leave him but I don't know where to start as I have one son with him and due to financial issues I don't think I will manage good life on my own. Please help me as I truly need your help on this as I am becoming so very much confused and depressed.





Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Catherine, and thanks for telling your story here. There are many women who find themselves in your position, and I know it is extremely difficult for you. However, you have everything it takes to correct your situation and get yourself into a position where you feel safe and respected.

The chains that bind you come more from your fear and low self esteem than anything else. That's good, because it means you're not a helpless victim to the abuse. You can change this.

You also need to raise your self esteem so that you will have the energy and healthy anger to stand up for yourself and create a healthy life for yourself.

Believe in yourself, Catherine. You can do this.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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