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I'm Not Sure What I Want

by Jessica

I'm having trouble understanding myself lately. I've recently been under a lot of stress because of school which has turned my already spoiled mood for the worse. I'm a very easily angered person. I am also defensive and get hooked up on things for a long time; working myself up.

I'm sure that because I have been constantly made fun of for most of my early childhood I have created some coping mechanisim to face the predicted onslaught of insults. This has also lead me to dwell on the past alot, things that I shouldn't be wasting my time on. Forgive and forget right?

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But all I want to do is show everyone how much I've changed and how much more I've grown than them. But the battle has already been over, so why disturb the dust.

I just want to move on, which will probably help with me being defensive which is the core of my anger. But I just want to be able to look back and only feel indifference and know that the past is the past and that it cannot be changed, and just simply accept that.

I don't really want to forgive all those people, for the people themselves shouldn't deserve an apology, its just I want... I want freedom.

Please, I would love it and be deeply thankful to you if someone could just tell me something that might help.

Thanks.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Jessica, and thanks for telling your story here. It is great that you want to move on with your life. This is a matter of letting go, which is sometimes difficult.

I think there are two things that will help you...letting go and self love. I think you also might be surprised to learn what forgiveness really is...it's not about what the other person deserves or doesn't deserve.

Read this page, and I think you'll find some help there: self love.

If you have not already done these exercises, you might want to look at #1 on our FAQ page for your anger management process.

The bottom line is you have to decide that you're important, and that you come first. It's not about showing anybody anything. It's about you feeling better within yourself and about yourself.

Do the exercises recommended in the above links, and it will help.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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