I'm Confused By How My Boyfriend Treats Me

by Renee
(Oregon)

I'm a freshmen in high school, I know, too young to be worrying about boys, but this one's like my best friend. He can be really sensitive and compassionate, but his temper can be unpredictable, and sometimes it scares me.


He was abused when he was younger by his dad, he's even ended up in the hospital a few times because of it. But now his father no longer sees him so he can't hurt him anymore, but maybe that's why he get's so angry?

Like, when somebody at school makes him mad, he'll grab me roughly and smash me into a painful hug, or grab my arms really tightly and make me follow him, and, when he's really mad, he'll grab my shoulders and slam his lips into mine.

None of this makes me feel good. it hurts me, it scares me. It's like he owns me, like he's using me to vent his anger. When I try to talk to him about it, he just gets madder and his embraces get tighter and more painful.

I am really sore and I've even gotten a few bruises from him. I can't take it anymore, I don't want him to hurt me, but I also don't want to lose him as a friend. Is it possible for me to still be his friend without also being his vent? How can I get him to stop?




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Renee, and thanks for telling your story here. I know you care about your friend, but the sad truth is that he's abusing you. If he were truly your friend, he would not treat you that way. Friends don't do that to each other.

I'm glad you have decided you can't take it any more. You are worthy of respect and kindness, and I encourage you to never accept anything less in your relationships.

I know your friend has his problems, and I hope he gets help. Regardless of his background, however, there is no excuse for how he's treating you. You don't do him any favors by acting as if his abusive behavior was acceptable. It's not.

I suggest that you not try to preserve the friendship. It sounds to me like he won't be capable of that, and it is very hard to do that under the best of circumstances.

Please read the following pages on relationships:

how to deal with abusive relationships
relationship advice

Make up your mind to have a good life with loving relationships, Renee. You are worth it.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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