I'm Concerned About Myself

by Anonymous

Dr. DeFoore, thanks for your site. It's great. Since I've started to think about anger though, I'm finding I'm getting angry. Furiously angry. I don't like it one little bit. I don't know what to do with it and sometimes I drink, not hugely but that is unsettling.

I feel like I've lost control. Also, I went out with a guy recently--all smiles, etc. He told me I look angry and bitter. I was so hurt. He is a big drinker and I'm wondering if this was just his own crap. I look at myself though and I am angry.

The closest people to me have done terrible things to me. Everything I said to my mother for instance became a trap, if you can understand that. She would capitalize on every little vulnerability to hurt me, and then use it against me.

I've just realized this is a big reason why I try to hide myself in life, from everyone.

This guy saying that really really unsettled me and I feel angry about it. That in itself is annoying because it proves what he said was true. Any suggestions?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thank you so much for sharing your story on this site. Your honesty and responsibility is refreshing, and will help people who read what you've written.

Of course you don't like your anger--it's not designed to feel good. It's there for a reason, and the reason is that something's wrong. Your anger is part of the solution. If your anger could speak, it would say something like, "Hey! I don't like this! I've got to fix it!" The problem is that anger in itself is not intelligent--it's just an emotional reaction. You have to apply your brilliant mind to actually come up with a solution.

You have excellent insight about your past, and how your mother used your vulnerability to trap you--and how that has led you to isolate yourself from others as an adult. Very good--now you can do something about that. Awareness is the first step to change.

Here's what I suggest:

1) Write a full, detailed account of what your mother did to you. You can write it on this site if you like, so that others can learn from your healing process. Just writing this down will help you a lot, I promise. It also might bring up some more anger.

2) So, to help you release the toxic part of your anger...if you haven't already done so, sign up for our Healing Anger newsletter, and you will receive a free download of the Anger Management Techniques Ebook. Use those techniques consistently, and you will get some relief. Or, if you want more in depth information, you can buy one of these books or one of these CDs or audio download programs.

3) Anger never goes away, because it is a part of our humanness--but it can be healthy! Read all about healthy anger on this page. Healthy anger is nothing less than powerful emotional energy to help you do what needs to be done and create the life you choose!

I have a strong feeling that you are a good person, and that's why you are concerned about yourself, and that's why you reached out in this way on this site.

Keep striving to be who you know you really are. You are not a result of what has happened to you. You are that wonderful person you really want to be, deep inside.

My best to you on your journey of self-discovery,

Dr. DeFoore

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I'm Concerned About Myself

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Jun 17, 2009
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Forgiveness
by: Rose Waddell

I read something that Bill DeFoore wrote about forgiveness. He said that you cannot really forgive in a genuine way until you have worked through all of the anger, fear and sadness that you have about the person and what they did to you. Those were not his exact words, but it's close. I believe in working through all of the feelings and then allowing forgiveness to come naturally. I have not totally forgiven people who have hurt me in the past, and I know that I still have some hurt feelings that I need to get out. Periodically I re-read the stories I put on this blog site so that I can see how far I've come. I usually end up sitting here crying and feeling more of the emotions I need to feel. I will try to be kind to myself as I get through all of my feelings and work towards forgiveness.

Through the years I've had quite a few people tell me to just forgive my parents and other people. I've found that I cannot just instantly forgive without going through the work of getting my feelings out. I've come a long way, but I still have some recovery to do before I can say that I am completely over some things in my childhood. I know that deep inside of myself I have some very real hurt that still needs to find expression. I don't want to hurt my parents anymore, but I also don't want to be very close to them. I feel an emptiness about my family of origin and I wish so much that it had been a loving family. I also know that I cannot change them.

I am living somewhere where I can punch pillows and do the other anger releasing exercises that I've learned. Doing the anger exercises has helped me more than I can say. I was shocked at the rage that was in me when I first started punching pillows. Punching pillows and doing the tantrum exercises helped me to heal from the horrible depression that I lived with in the past. Before I moved I was living in a condo and I couldn't make a lot of noise there. Now I'm living in a house, so my anger releasing will not be so unsettling to the neighbors.

I have spent a lot of time in the past trying to understand my parents and why they would abuse me. I know that I was not a perfect parent to my own children. None of us are perfect. However, understanding alone does not heal me. I really need to continue to feel any repressed emotions that I have. It seems to me that intellectualizing too much hurts recovery.

Somewhere inside of myself a child is still crying and I need to pay attention to that part of me. When I heal to the point of forgiveness, I will throw a party for myself with cake and ice cream.

When I read your story, I could very much relate to it. We're all in this boat together. I'm feeling less alone with this blog site.

May 10, 2009
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Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your comments Anonymous. I have learned the awesome power that comes to you as a result of forgiveness and I have forgiven my mother and I pray for her.

However, the damage that was done to me CONTINUOUSLY my whole life through her is finished. It is enough. I have borne the brunt of her sadism, her inability to love (actually the thought of her loving me is utterly disgusting), her trouble-making, her jealousy and her insanity. It is ENOUGH now.

As Rose said in one of her posts, you can't just walk away from PTSD, sometimes you're okay, sometimes you're not and that's okay. I have to live with the results of my taking my mother's anger for the rest of my life. I did it as a victim, I did it fearfully. I grew up and then I did it bravely, I did it like a martyr, I did it forever and that is enough. It was no small suffering and I will not reduce it so it means nothing. I will do whatever I have to for myself now to try and salvage some life for myself. Enough for her. Enough.

I DO understand what you're saying and I am grateful for the reminder. I will work more on forgiveness of all the things that have hurt and that do hurt in my life. I have poured caring out onto my mother, I have poured it out onto others all my life, I KNOW I have offered the best person I could be to her and it only made her angrier. It only made her desire to hurt me greater.

Now it's time for me. Not selfishly but I have decided that the inner spiritual being that has been a tower of strength and love and support on many occasions to others can also now love me. As that being has rescued others, now it has rescued me. It has picked me up and in loving arms, taken me away from the pain, the endless pain that served no purpose. I can allow this to happen AND forgive my mother. In fact, it's the best solution. Slowly, slowly, gently, kindly now I can heal.

Of course I'm hurt and angry when I offer the best and get dirt thrown in my face. What I have to do now is learn to forgive myself - I think that's the key.

May 09, 2009
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Forgive
by: Anonymous

I also had a deep resentment for the things my mother has done to me. I have noticed over the years that she feels better after she has let all of her anger out on me. It's a release for her, but it is very unhealthy for me. It's as though she's feeding on me.

I have to forgive her. I forgive her for me and not her. I have come to expect that she will be ready to "feed" when I come to see her and somehow that helps me to cope with her anger that she is transferring to me. It's like if you know before-hand that you're going to be insulted, then it's much easier to take. I always expect to be treated unfairly so it's no big shock. She is never going to change so I change. I forgive. I am still and notice the anger and "watch" it and it leaves me.

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