I Would Rather Be Alone Than Be Abused

by Erika
(Denver)



My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. During that time, we figured out that he is bipolar but also has anger management issues.

I have brought up many times how his hurtful, nasty words have hurt me but he continues. He tells me that when he gets angry, he cannot stop what comes out of his mouth because at that time, he just doesn't care about anyone else.

Our argument before this last blowout consisted of him banging his head against the door which caused a hole in the door and a gash in his forehead. He has thrown things, punched things (not me though), shouted, called me stupid and other names.

He is very negative all the time and when something doesn't go his way he lashes out. The argument can be set off by the littlest of things like not being able to find his jeans. He gets so angry and every time he takes his anger out on me or my dog.

He lost his job in January and I have been supporting him. He tells me he feels worthless and doesn't really apply himself to get a job. I also told him he needs help and although he acknowledges he does, he hasn't done anything about it. He sits around the house all day.

Meanwhile, I have a full time job and am attending college. I already recognize the signs of abuse and have tried to help him overcome these issues. It has gotten better, however, I am at my final turning point. Last night, he couldn't find a tool he was looking for and once again, took it out on me. Needless to say I slept on the couch last night and was told I was stupid for doing so. This morning it was like last night never happened.

I love him but love myself enough to walk away if need be. I feel like his mother and not his partner. I take care of everything except for the house chores and cooking as it is his way of "helping out." Although I appreciate him doing these things, I need help with the bills, and our last talk about him finding a job fell flat. He applied to one place but that was it. I feel like he loves me because he needs me and has no where else to go.

This relationship is unhealthy and unacceptable. I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect but get neither. I also can only help those who help themselves. So with that being said, this evening will be my final "talk." If things do not improve, he will have to find somewhere else to go because after tonight I am done talking.

I refuse to be a victim and I refuse to be treated in this manner. I would rather be alone than be abused.

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Sep 28, 2016
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Angry Husband And Outbursts--Signs To Watch Out For
by: Anonymous

Abuse just does not go away by itself, and without counseling, it can only get worse or keep dragging on. There is a cycle of getting angry to violent to the "I am sorry and I love you" phase and saying, "I'll never do it again and I did not mean to hurt you."

Then it keeps happening again with mean denigrating words and name calling. It can bring on depression in the victim. Unsure about leaving? That also occurs.

As for me, I am a grad school student in psychology and neuroscience research and I have an unstable marriage. My husband gets angry and says mean words, and one time he slammed a heavy front door with glass in it on me and it slammed into my knee cap and felt like knee bones were shattered. I also scraped my arm and front toe and it pounded into my chest and knocked me out of breath as I fell backward.

I was hurt physically and emotionally. I am somewhat dependent on him and love him enough to not call the police but want to show him that I will not accept his angry outbursts of hostility. He used to yell at me in front of the children and my mother. She was thrilled and sweet talks him and tries to anger him against me and demands me to do her housework.

Watch out if you grew up accepting abuse as a child and teen and are just too used to being abused and taken advantage of by family and others. Him siding against me was the first sign. Yelling with disrespect is second sign. Watch out for him not following your kind request to speak calmly to educate one on his desires with respect for my feelings. Watch out for sudden outbursts of impulsive anger by throwing things, slamming a door on you, hitting or showing angry behavior too quick before you can protect yourself.

My outcome is to get a divorce attorney to write up a legal separation to show that I have no acceptance for mean words, hostility and violence. This is my humble suggestion and what I feel is right for me and you may not have had it as intense or maybe worse, so do some research first and make the best decision for you.

Only you know your situation best so follow your own advice.

Sep 16, 2014
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You Are Totally On Track
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Erika

I strongly encourage you to do exactly what you plan. I would also advise you to take a look at your own part of this relationship. Although you have clearly been (and are) the healthy, responsible partner, you have also allowed and inadvertently contributed to the abusive behavior.

That's why it's so important that you follow through on your plan. If you find yourself reconsidering in the hopes that he will change, you need to seek help for yourself personally. Any man who would abuse you in this is way (and your dog) is seriously disturbed and needs prolonged, intensive help that is completely of his choosing.

I know you will make the best decision for yourself.

My best,

Dr. DeFoore

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