I Wish I Could Stop Reacting And Start Acting Right With My Children

by Jocelyn

I am a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) of 3 kids, a 4 and 5 year old and one 18 months. I have had alot of problems with my 5 yr. old since she was about 2. She just seems to be a difficult child. My son who is 4 is very mellow and easy going.

I find I also am a difficult parent. I lose my temper very easy and it usually ends up with me yelling and sometimes saying really bad things to my kids and even smacking them at times. I know my father had this kind of temper as well and scared me terribly as a child. I have never hit my kids hard but even just a smack when I am angry I know is unacceptable.

I know I am teaching them the wrong thing as they model their behavior after me. I now see them losing their temper and hitting each other. I feel terrible as I am sure it is my fault they react like this.

I just do not know how to calm down and act when I get upset and angry. I just react then feel bad about it.

How can I change this? I feel like I need to get away but even though I react this way to my kids they are very attached to me and I don't have any help to get a break that I so need.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Jocelyn, and thanks for telling your story here. It is good that you want to learn to manage your anger so that you can be a better parent to your children. This is so very important, as you know.

I will recommend some tools, and if you use them I am certain that you will feel better and find that you can act instead of reacting.

Start by telling your full story, as described on this page. Get it all out, and since this is for your eyes only, no need to worry about what you're writing.


Start keeping a daily anger journal as described here. This gives you a place to put your anger that is safe and healthy. It will help you be more conscious (able to choose your actions) and less unconscious with your anger (causing you to react).

The positive journaling exercise you will find on this page will be extremely beneficial to you in managing your anger, but especially in your relationship with your 5 year old. Focus on her as you do the positive journaling, paying attention to all of her good qualities. This will definitely help you.

This slide show will help you with the positive journaling, and understanding how it works.

Use these imagery processes for emotional healing to resolve the pain and trauma from your own childhood abuse, and this two part imagery process for positive mental rehearsal to prepare yourself for a good day of healthy parenting.

I recommend you do these exercises every morning, to prepare you for your day. I know you're busy, but I assure you this is the most important activity for you right now.

You can also practice these anger management techniques to help you on an ongoing basis.

It also never hurts to improve your self esteem, which helps with everything you're trying to do.

If you want a more structured program for your anger management and healing, I recommend these online anger management classes.

Believe in yourself, Jocelyn. You're a good person, and that's why you want to be a good mother, and that's why you told your story here.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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