I Have To Have Hope That Things Will Be Better
My story is so similar to the others I've read...but here goes anyway.
My fiancé and I have been together for almost 4 years now. Like so many other relationships, ours was full of intensity, passion and what I thought was love.
As he was between jobs at the beginning, I worked full time and paid for everything, including anything he needed or wanted, because I believed that's what you do when you love someone. You look after them unconditionally, because they'd do the same if it were the other way around right?
During the time I was sole breadwinner, my mental health started suffering. I was becoming exhausted from working and not being able to afford time off for nearly three years straight, due to being casually employed but full time, no holiday or sick days to fall back on. So eventually I became anxious and depressed about the situation.
Luckily, he found a job and was finally able to help support me with the bills etc. Things were better for a while, but by now I was so clinically depressed and physically and mentally exhausted from work (retail) that I had a breakdown and resigned.
This is where I learned that my fiancé wasn't as prepared to provide for both of us as I was, and the verbal abuse started.
It seemed while I was providing for us, no matter how detrimental to my health, that was perfect for him and he adored me for it. He praised me and bought me gifts just because. But since he's been the breadwinner, he acts like I'm a huge inconvenience to him.
He calls me all kinds of horrible names when we fight, whereas I have never resorted to that. How could I hurt him? I love him! Oh, how it hurts when he says mean things to me. When I ask him how he can speak to his future wife that way, he says that I make him so frustrated that I make him say those things.
When I start to cry because I'm so stunned and hurt, he says I'm a drama queen/overreacting, etc. This hurts as well!
I love him, but I'm no longer sure if he loves me, as I find it hard to believe he could love me while speaking to me and feeling like that about me - how could he?
I no longer try for sexual intimacy anymore, as he no longer gets aroused by me anymore. That’s just another aspect of our relationship that has died off since him working.
I feel like my worth to him has expired, since I'm “not the same person he first fell in love with.” The abuse has slowly but surely withered away my self-esteem. I can barely leave the house I’m so anxious, and I feel discarded by my fiancé in this situation.
He broke me down with both the burden of carrying us both financially without any break, and the verbal abuse, and now he has the nerve to tell me I'm not the same woman he fell in love with.
I feel so alone and broken. And he tells his family that I'm crazy and the reason for his unhappiness!! Give me strength.
I'm going to a job interview tomorrow, the first step to me getting my strength back. And slowly but surely I’m building a safe escape plan. I'm not going to let him drown me, not this strong girl!
I have to have hope...otherwise I'll be stuck in this hell. Thanks for taking the time to read my long post, I really do appreciate it.