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I Feel So Ashamed Of My Choice In My Relationship

by Heather
(Fredericton, New Brunswick)



I am a 53 year old woman who became involved with a 38 year old young man about a year and a half ago. We were together for two years.

He left me in the middle of the night for another girl. Four months later, he returned to me for four days. And then he left again. I called his gf and told her what he was doing - using the both of us, and I wasn't going to play that game. But I was very much in love with him and I still am.


He is an alcoholic, a gambler, unemployed, a deadbeat father, a cheater and addicted to cocaine and has sex with men, as well as women. Okay, so I got involved with the wrong guy. So much so, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for allowing this man to use me and think he can continue to come near me.

He broke my heart and I am still in a lot of pain. I want to forget and forgive but I’m still so angry at him. His gf thinks he's the greatest guy, and she knows and hates me. I did nothing wrong. - why do I feel so hurt still.

I can't seem to get over the hurt and humiliation of being involved with someone so screwed up. I am not ready to forgive. I don't like or even respect him. should I forgive and be friends again with him?




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Heather, and thanks for telling your story here. I understand that you’re feeling very bad for getting involved with someone who has so many problems. Your focus needs to be on your own problems. The pain and embarrassment you’re feeling now will only get worse, until you look at your own issues which cause you to choose such a dysfunctional partner.

I strongly encourage you to read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It will help you understand your situation, and what steps you need to take to get healthy.

Do this for yourself, Heather. I assure you that this man you’ve been involved with has his addictions as a much higher priority than you are. You are worthy of being loved and respected in all of your relationships. Accept nothing less.
My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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Aug 27, 2013
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Re-evaluate
by: Forest Nana

Heather,
So sorry for the hurt that you have suffered in this very disfunctional relationship. I hope you will take the Dr.'s advise and read the book that he recommended. That, hopefully will help you not make the same mistakes in the future.
I believe that there is also something else and that is: the reason that you are with someone who obviously had no respect for you, was young enough to be your son AND was "swinging both ways" (which could very well be dangerous to you physically). I might suggest that you see your doctor & get a check up. You may also be suffering from menopause, which can really confuse a woman emotionally & physically.
I would also suggest that you find friends and groups to hang out with in your age group as they will be more settled & mature (maybe someone you work with or a church group), that will help you be accountable for better choices.
Best wishes as you seek to heal & eventually forgive yourself. S

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