I Don't Know How To Fix Things

by Jennifer
(UK)

I have been with my boyfriend for two years, and I love him more than anything. Like every couple we have had our ups and downs, and we have had some real issues to work through, but on the whole we have been successful.

The problem is recently, I feel a lack of respect from him. He has always had anger issues, and I feel he needs some sort of anger management related counseling. It's not just the anger though, it's the way he behaves and speaks to me that is leading me to question my relationship.

I know I am not perfect, and I have shouted at him when angry, and verbally lashed out at him when I shouldn't have. But I am fed up with him taking his bad mood out on me (never physically). He becomes sarcastic, name calls, throws things around our flat, and storms out.

We live in the country, and I am scared for his life when he gets in the car full of such rage and drives along winding country roads in the night. Sometimes I can convince him to stay, but it means putting up with the verbal abuse to keep him in the house and not in the car.

Sometimes I can and he will leave without saying where he's going or if he's coming back (even when I ask), and I am left staying up all night worrying if he's ok. It doesn't seem fair, and I wish he had enough respect for me to not behave like this.

I know I wind him up, and am sometimes guilty of exaggerating the situation, but I feel he should have enough respect for me to not talk to me the way he does. How do I deal with this? I have felt like breaking up with him over it, and have, but I love him, and I want to work through this, I just don't know how.




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Jennifer, and thanks for telling your story here. I'm sorry you're having trouble with your relationship. You sound like a good person, and I'm sure your boyfriend is a good person too.

You are worthy of respect, and nothing justifies anyone treating you with anything less than the respect you deserve. I'm not sure, but you seem a little more concerned about your boyfriend than you are about yourself.

I suggest that you read the following pages on relationships, which will really help you:

how to deal with abusive relationships
relationship advice
letting go of a relationship

If your boyfriend is willing (and able), the two of you might try these couples communication skills, which come from Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, a wonderful book that I recommend you both read and work through together.

It will also help you to learn about nurturing your inner child and building your self esteem, which is the bottom line to having healthy relationships.

You can do this, Jennifer. Make up your mind to create a wonderful life for yourself, which absolutely requires that you be treated with love and respect in all of your relationships.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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