How People See Me

by Wayne

The past is an intricate part of who I am. It isn’t all of who I am but it is a view of my experiences and how I acted during those experiences. Some of those experiences were very dangerous, some were very dysfunctional, some were very solid, wholesome, brave, empathetic, loving, and caring and many outsiders saw me during those events. Some people were recipients of my actions both functional and dysfunctional. There were also people who witnessed my life’s actions.

Now the people who witnessed my life or experienced my actions all have varying perspectives of me and my life. These perspectives range from being judgmental and critical to understanding and accepting and there are also those who just could care less of me in any fashion.

It never ceases to amaze me how people tend to always remember and retain a perspective of a particular person even after years of separation. If they were some sort of troubled person when they were together, well, they must be the same troubled person now. If they were a saint in the past, sainthood must still be placed upon them.

I have gone home to where I went to school as a teen to see my peers and how life has changed them. I am totally amazed at how life has completely changed so many of them. I just wouldn’t have ever guessed such changes were possible. Maybe of course what ever they are today just wasn’t realized as being a part of them in the past or maybe I just wasn’t worldly enough to see how what they were in the past would develop further down the path. None the less, they have become very different. I can safely say that I have seen a small percentage that maintained the same persona, good or bad, all throughout the years.

This bit of jot and tittle is about the ones that have seen me in a certain light without the ability to envision me as ever changing. To me they are like an anchor always seeming to hold me in place no matter how the currents of life have caused me to go from one shore to another and no matter how much I have faced life’s forces along the way. These forces, God willing, have caused me to change in good ways.

No! No matter how wise I have become from facing such horrid storms and come out the other side weathered but wiser for the cause, they still see me as I was. I find myself feeling down, belittled, and judged as less than, in spite of how hard or how long I have tried to face my past and become a healthier person.

Maybe the anchor-like person is really describing more about themselves than they are describing me. What in their past or their experiences are holding them in one place and maybe from this un-moveable perspective the world seems to be like them, never changing and always stuck.

Still, what are the emotions and memories that cause me to be tied to them still? It seems like no matter how far I have traveled these people are still tied to the side of my ship, holding me back, no matter how much the wind fills my sails. I am deciding to cut them free and may God guide them to what shores they need to travel to. When I heal what bonds our ships together, imagine how fast and how far I can sail.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hi Wayne, and thanks for your contribution. Your story is one that many can relate to. How others see us can have a strong influence on our happiness, but as you point out, it doesn't have to!

I love the statement, "What other people think of me is none of my business!" I'm not sure who said it, but I suggest that you and anybody reading this who wants to be in charge of their own happiness, take that statement and wear it around like a shield.

But that's not enough...we also have to be willing and able to see ourselves accurately. Consider that the "anchor people" are unclaimed aspect of you. Look around in your past, and find memories of times when you were stuck in how you saw yourself, other people, and the world. For example, do you see anchor people as stuck and unchanging? Well, it takes an anchor person to see that--you see what I mean?

So, as you're letting go of the anchor people, be sure and let go of the ones inside of you who have been holding on to that idea of anchor people.

Change is an inevitable, ever-present and pervasive force in the Universe, and no one escapes it. When we embrace it and take charge of our direction to some extent, we get to captain our own ship. When we fight change, it creates huge pain, anger and dis-ease.

It occurred to me a long time ago that as human beings, we either move forward or backward--there is no standing still. You strike me as someone who is defintely moving forward in this world. I read a lot of healthy anger in your story, and that is excellent.

Onward and upward!

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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