How Do I Let Go Of This Relationship?

by Angie
(California)

Hi, well my story is very long so please bear with me. I am 26 yrs old, I married my high school sweetheart when I was 21 yrs old, at first everything was fine, we were both happy and in love or so I thought. Until in 2009, everything went to hell!

Well it all started back in Sept. '09 when he started acting really weird, he was very distant and very mean to me. Like I said we have been together since high school, since I was 15 yrs old and he was 16 yrs old, so since the day we met we had been inseparable. We used to do everything together, it was just me and him, where ever he went I went, and where ever I went he went...until last year. He started to want to go out with his co-workers which he never did, so I wasn't used to it. At first I would get mad because I thought "what is going on that all of a sudden he wants to go out without me?"

So, we started to argue because of that and also because like I said he was acting really rude and distant with me. So one day I couldn't take it anymore and I asked him what was going on and why was he being mean to me and what he answered shocked me, he told me and I quote "I'm just acting how you act with me", so I told him "so you know that you're being mean and that you're hurting me? and you're doing it on purpose?" I told him that if I've ever hurt him that I was sorry and that I had never done it on purpose like he did...but all I got from that conversation was a bigger mess because he kept on acting distant and mean.

Then days later we had another argument, where I asked him if there was someone else and I told him that I didn't trust him anymore... and that's when it all went down to hell! I knew as soon as I told him that I had made a big mistake and I told him that I was sorry that I didn't mean it and that I did trust him, but things never got back to normal. He started going out with his friends almost every day and he wouldn't come home until 2:00 or 3:00 AM, I never knew where he was because he wouldn't tell me. So he was hardly ever home, and the times he was he didn't even want to be in the same room as me. I would try to talk to him and to apologize to him, but he just wouldn't talk or listen to me. I asked him if he wanted to go to marriage counseling but he never wanted to. So, things got so bad in my marriage that I went into this big depression where at times I didn't want to live.

I remember this one time, I asked him if he still loved me and he shook his head and told me "I don't know, things aren't the same you know? I don't feel the same". Wow, as soon as I heard those words I felt as if somebody had ripped my heart out. After that things got worst, now he would not only go out and come back at 3:00 a.m., but also he would spend most of his time on the phone, and I would clearly hear a woman's voice, but when I would ask him all he would tell me "no, it was my friend Dixon".

By this time it was November '09, it was about 2:00 am we were barely going to go to sleep when his phone rang, I could clearly hear a woman's voice and the way he was talking to her, wow, it broke my heart... when he hanged up, I asked him who it was and all he said was "it was a friend" and I told him that I knew that it was a woman and I took his cell from him and I told him that if he didn't tell me the truth that I would call her back myself and ask her who she was, so he told me "she's just a friend, it's not like that, she's only a friend" I told him, "if she was just a friend then she wouldn't be calling you at this time because she would respect the fact that you're married! And the way you were talking to her is the way that you used to talk to me", but he stood his ground and just said "she's just a friend".

I felt so depressed and unwanted. By this time I had gone to the Dr. and she gave me anti-depressants and pills for the anxiety, so one night after trying to talk to him again, all he told me was "I already filed for divorce." Wow, talk about pain, I felt so bad that all I could think about was that I didn't want to live like this anymore, so I went into my room and locked the door and I got the pills and I was ready to take all of them and just end everything, I could just feel these soothing thoughts, "this will end all the pain" but as I was about to do it something made me think about my family and my parents and how if I did it they would "hate him" and they would blame him, and I didn't want my family to hate him.

Then on Dec.1, 2009, I got the divorce papers! Worst day of my life, or so I thought. A couple of weeks after he gave me the divorce papers he moved out. At first I tried still trying to persuade him to give our marriage a second chance but he was determined to take me out of his life. So then, I stopped trying to convince him, I stopped trying to have any type of contact with him. On Dec. 26, 2009 out of the blue at 2:00 am, my cell phone rings and it was him. He just called me to ask how I was doing, to ask about my family and see how my Christmas was. I was so surprised, and that same day he showed up at the house and we made up. We decided that we were going to give it a second chance and I thought that everything would be fine. Then he tells me that there was someone else, that he had already started a relationship with another woman. That he had sex with another woman! I was heart broken, but I told him that I would forgive him because I really thought that he was remorseful and that he would never do it again. Boy, was I wrong!

Although we had started to fix things, he hadn't come back home. But he would come and see me and we would talk on the phone for hours, just like when we were teenagers... at this point I thought that I had forgiven him, but one day while we were talking about things he told me that he didn't feel any remorse because to him we had broken up so he didn't feel as if he had cheated on me.

I can't let this go, I feel as if I let all this anger go, that my pain was for nothing! That if I let this go, then I went through all that pain for nothing! Because he's still like "Whatever" and he still doesn't care about all the pain that he caused me. When we talk about it he tells me that he doesn't remember and I try telling him all the things that he used to do and he used to tell me, all the things that he did that broke my heart and he says that he doesn't remember.

Not once has he broken down, and said "I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for cheating on you and breaking your heart" all he says is "I was really angry at you! and I don't remember lots of things" but how can someone forget just like that? How can he be so oblivious to all the pain he caused me? How do I let this go? How can I just forget the fact that he replaced me so easily, that he threw me away as if I was trash! How do I get over this? How can I learn how to give him my heart again? How do I trust him again? How do I get over this? Please help me.

Sincerely,
Angie

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Angie, and thanks for telling your story here. As I read your submission, it occurred to me that you don't seem to value yourself nearly as much as you do your husband. This unfortunately is not unusual. Many women learned one way or another while growing up that males have more value and importance than they do. This is just wrong.

The problem is that no one can fix this but you--and you have to value yourself in order to do that. I will suggest some things that will help you to begin to love and appreciate yourself for who you are.

Start with the positive journaling exercise described on this page. This will help you begin to focus more on the goodness and beauty of you and your world.

Also take a look at these pages on self love and self esteem.

You will also find these CDs on raising your self esteem to be extremely helpful. I use them myself, and find them to be very beneficial. When you listen to them over and over, you will definitely start to love and appreciate yourself more, and put yourself first in relationships--which is the only way that relationships can work for positive outcomes. Take a look at these quotes on relationships for more perspective on this.

Your husband has not been loyal or faithful or truthful to you. Yet, you sacrificed the support of your family to keep them from "hating" him. I can see why you would not want them to hate him, but the point is that you made that more important than your own feelings and your need for empathy and support. You also hid your wounds and your own dysfunction by doing that.

Believe in yourself, Angie. If you don't, no one else will--or it won't matter if they do. When you put yourself first, you are simply making up your mind to be a healthy and happy person, which is the first step to fulfilling relationships.

You can do this. Never give up on you and your dreams.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore