Horrible Mother

by Taryn

Okay, I'm Taryn. I need help. I hit my one year old son when he didn't listen to me. And when I say hit, I mean I really hit him. And I had thoughts about killing him.

I love my son with all my heart and soul and I don't want to be this person I've become. I'm really scared I'm going to lose it so bad that he'll end up in hospital, or worse, dead. I know I sound horrible and don't deserve to have a child. Please help me.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Taryn, and thanks for telling your story here. I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time with your emotions and that you have hurt your son. I know this is not what you want to do. I will try to help.

When someone hurts their small child, whom they love, that means that there is something going on in that person subconsciously. We need to figure out what that is.

Your son is somehow triggering a rage and violence in you, and there is a story behind that. His purity and innocence may be reminding you of your own. I'm guessing that you may have experienced some kind of abuse yourself as a child, which you may or may not be aware of. I believe this is true because I believe you're a good person who loves her son, and unless there were some subconscious cause, you would not hurt him.

I want you to do all of the exercises described on this FAQ page. The first part of the journaling process involves exploring your own past trauma. Be sure and spend a lot of time on this, and write in total detail about anything and everything that you can recall that hurt or bothered you in any way at all.


Pay attention to any feelings of wanting to deny the significance of what happened to you, or to protect your parents or other caregivers. You absolutely have to honestly explore the depths of your own pain if you're going to heal enough to stop hurting your child.

I know you feel really bad about yourself, Taryn. But I want you to know that does not help your son at all. Please try to hear me when I tell you this: taking care of yourself and taking the time to heal your past emotional wounds is the best possible thing you can do for your son. The best gift you can give him is a mother who feels good about herself, and that is what will come from doing the exercises I'm recommending here.

I think you can do this, Taryn. If you feel you need more help than I've offered here, please reach out to a local counseling center and see if you can get the help you need.

Above all, believe in yourself, and do not give up until you find that you can be consistently gentle and caring with your son and with yourself.

You are a good person. That's why you reached out for help here. Believe in that goodness.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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