Hopeless Or Not?

by Anna

I was forty years old having a conversation with my mother about my sister Laura. The conversation went like this:

"Mom, did you talk to Laura's doctor lately?" That was the only sentence uttered by me. The rest was all said by my mother.

"Anna when are you going to accept the fact that there is no hope for Laura? Look at me Anna. I said there's no hope, do you understand that? Why do you have to be constantly asking about your sister? What is wrong with you? Why can't you just let this go? Why do you even want to talk about her?"

I didn't talk back to her. I just got up and went to the bathroom to cry. I could not cry in front of my mother. Nothing angered my mother more than to see my cry. Tears were not allowed.

My mother once said that a psychologist told her Laura would never get better. That was the first year that Laura was put into a mental hospital. He said that she would have to be on medication for the rest of her life. He said that the childhood trauma she experienced was just too severe to ever heal from.

I wonder what Laura would be like today if my mother, that doctor and other people had believed in her ability to heal?

The first time I got enough courage to see a counselor, she said that no-one could completely heal from what I went through as a child. She said that I was definitely someone who would have to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life. She didn't say I was a hopeless case, but she might as well have. Throughout my life I have had countless people tell me that I would never get better, or that I would never be strong.

It was a very rare thing to hear someone say, "Yes, you can get better. It will be hard, but if you keep at it, you will end up stronger than you can possibly know. It may be a hard climb sometimes and the road may be full of unexpected turns. You may have a hard time just getting through the day sometimes, but there are sources for support and caring that you can turn to when you need it. You can join support groups, you can find a good counselor, you can write, talk and scream about your childhood pain. You can punch pillows, you can reach out to God, you can heal.

During my long and very hard recovery I have had more of the "You'll never get better, people don't really get better, or people don't change" statements than the encouragement that I really needed. Some of the recovery books and recordings I read and listened to encouraged me, but at the same time, there always seemed to be someone in my life who put my recovery down or tried to stop me from looking at my childhood and past pain and healing. It almost seemed to me that they did not want me to get better. My ex-husband fought my recovery the whole time I was with him.

My present husband and I have been in recovery together for a long time now. We punched pillows together, talked about our past together, went to counselors together and attended support groups together. I feel as if I grew up with this man sometimes. My husband is a veteran and he suffered from severe PTSD both from his troubled childhood and his time in the military. I don't remember how many times he was told by some doctors and some other people that veterans could not heal from PTSD or that they just needed to be medicated. I saw how much this hurt him. I tried to be a support to him, even though I struggled with the same kind of conditioning myself.

We stayed with it. We did not give up. No matter what some others told us, we kept at it until healing began to happen. Little by little we pulled ourselves out of the hell that consumed us.

I had someone. My heart goes out to those who do not have someone to go through recovery with. I pray that they find the support that they need and not try to recover totally on their own. I also pray that if they ever hear things like "It's hopeless, you'll never get better, you will have to be on drugs for the rest of your life, or your childhood is just too bad to heal from, that they will remember to turn to God for help and support. That way God will help them to find the right counselor, the right support group, the right self-help books, and the right way of seeing their recovery for them.

I've come through so much. I know that I have more recovery to go through and I'll keep working on it, but I also know how far I've come. I can love now, I can feel and see the beauty of nature, I can enjoy simple pleasures, I can get through the day now. I'm so glad that I didn't give up. I'm so glad that the statements of some others did not permanently stop me.

For all of the Laura's in the world, THERE IS NO-ONE WHO IS HOPELESS. I only hope that in my life I can meet people who are struggling with their recovery and say to them, "You are definitely going to get better, I just know it. Keep at it. I believe in you."