Gone But Still With Me

by Wayne
(GA)

It has only been a few long weeks since she had to move on. She was a friend, a companion, a confidant, a nurse, a playmate, a defender and so much more. She was there when I went to sleep and she was there when I woke-up.

I shared everything with her. Our meals could be a fine steak or just something as simple as a cookie and milk. We grew up together, each of us facing life's mountains and oceans together. In sickness and health we lived our lives side by side.

Ginger was what some people call a dog. She had lived for 10 years and developed an enlarged heart. The prognosis was that she was going to choke to death by the growth of her own heart pushing against her throat. The choice was plain but unimaginable. I had to have her put to sleep.

I was told that I would know when it had to be done and who ever said it was right. I knew it was time. It was late at night when my wife and I wrapped up our family in a blanket with the word angel on it and we drove to the late night vets office.

I would write about the feelings but I don't have a name for them. It was all so surreal. I had felt this kind of feeling while I was in the military. Going to do something where there seemed no alternative and someone was going to die.

I got to the parking lot of the vet where I took out my friend and held her. I held her, wrapped up in her little blanket while I paced the parking lot with the horrible feeling of life not giving me a choice. I held her little body. I smelled her fur behind her ears. I felt the soul that would soon leave me. Her warmth. This little frame of life.

I paced the parking lot praying for some sort of knowing that what I was about to do was right. It went against all that I had been taught about protecting life. I just walked around in the night air holding her doing everything I could to remember the feel of her. I wanted her to know that I loved her so much and how important she was to me.

But I could not allow her to meet a known end in such a horrible, scary way. I wanted her to leave feeling loved and safe. I didn't want her to carry those kinds of feelings with her when she left.

She died in my hands. A needle was placed into her body and as the last drop moved through the needle she passed. I saw her leave. I felt myself speak the word "No" silently as she passed. I had quick fleeting thoughts of stopping it. Her tense but warm little body turned limp as her soul left. The body no longer had the structure that made it stand.

The ride home was as surreal as the ride to the vets office. The house had an emptiness where a certain presence was missing.

I have strong beliefs in life after death and knew that I would sill have her with me but just not the same way. I was curiously aware of how my body felt at her leaving while in some other part of me I was well aware of her as something more than her beautiful little body. It is my body that I feel missing her. Our regular patterns of living together. Our sharing those mountains and oceans was gone.

I feel her around a lot and when she is here I feel at peace like all is well. It is kind of funny that as long as I know that she is okay, I feel okay. I am still going through life's little patterns and glance to see her at the usual places. I love her so.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Thank you for your contribution, Wayne. Your words so beautifully and powerfully describe your feelings, that nothing more needs to be said here. Your story will bless the hearts of all who read it.