Following The Anger Monster's Footsteps

by Terri
(TX)

I have two girls 4 and 2 and am 5 months pregnant. My husband and I are separated because of my anger. More and more each day I see myself acting like my father, just like I told myself I would never do.

I am frustrated with my life and financial situation. Then when my girls don't listen and do as they are told I get angry. If they start whining for whatever reason I get aggravated. It has gotten to the point where I found myself telling my 4 year old that I am not going to pick her up from school and she can go live with someone else. I pop them and find myself jerking them around when I am angry because they aren't obeying and I don't know how to get them to do as they are told.

I feel like a horrible mom and question why God gave these beautiful little girls to me when I don't know how to deal with them. I think I might give them up because I fear that I am headed down the path of my father and that I am going to hurt them. I don't know how to stop my anger once it arises and don't want to cause my children to not want to be around me out of fear of me.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Terri, and thanks for telling your story here. I'm glad you reached out for help here. It is clear that you're a good person, which is why you are so very concerned about your current mistreatment of your children. I will help you.

I am going to recommend some tools for you to use, and if you use them consistently, I think you will be able to start treating your children with the love and care that they deserve.

Here are the steps I recommend:

1) Use the three journaling processes on this page. Be sure and follow all of the instructions. The "trauma writing" part you only do until you feel you have covered all of your past trauma, but the other two (anger journaling and "Goodfinding") are to be done on a regular ongoing basis.

2) Practice these imagery processes for emotional healing to resolve the past trauma you have been writing about. You will also find this inner child audio program to be helpful for this.

3) And here is a process for getting free from the influence of your father:

• Write down all of the ways in which you are like your dad. Look at that list and ask yourself if there's any of those qualities or behaviors you want to keep. In other words, choose what you like (if anything) from the list.



• Then write down all of the ways you are different from your dad. These are the things that make you unique as an individual. Look at this list, and choose what you like from it.



• Make a third list, that includes only those things you like from the above two lists. This is the new self image that you will be developing. This gives you a glimpse of the good person you are inside.





• I suggest you repeat the above process with your mother as well. Sometimes the relationship with the "good parent" has issues that are masked by the problems with the other parent.



• Next, picture both of your parents in front of you. Thank them both for all of the good things they've done for you, leaving nothing out. Then tell them both about the things you didn't like. Get it all out, and write it down--but picture their faces while you're writing. Now tell them, "I'm not your child any more. I'm a grown woman, and I take total responsibility for myself. It is time for me to take charge of my life and make my own decisions, without your influence." Then, when you feel a sigh of relief in your body, say "Goodbye" to them and let their images fade. Repeat this process as often as necessary, until you feel a full release.

I do not suggest you say these things directly to your parents, unless that absolutely feels like the right thing to do. This is just for you.

This is another good point in your process where the inner child audio program will be very helpful.

4) I also want you to use this two part imagery process for positive mental rehearsal at the beginning of each day, to prepare yourself to be more patient, kind and respectful to your precious children.

5) Practice these anger management techniques on a regular, daily basis, and focus on the ones that seem to help the most.

6) Use the "See It Don't Be It" exercise described on this page. This is a powerful imagery process that will help you contain and heal your anger.

7) If you feel you don't have the self-discipline or focus to do these exercises, I suggest you consider these online anger management classes, which will provide a more detailed, structured process.

Make up your mind to do this, Terri. Giving up your children is only an absolute last resort. You are their mother, and no one can take your place. Connect with the goodness inside you, and begin acting from that place. The positive journaling will help you with that part, and these self esteem cds are also excellent for helping you to feel better about yourself. The better you feel about yourself, the better mother you will be to your children.

Believe in yourself. I have a strong feeling that you can and will do this work, Terri, and become the good person, wife and mother that you want to be.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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