Family, School, Enemies And Essence

by Jasmyne
(Dallas TX)

Well there's this girl named Essence that I can't stand. I know I have anger problems so I try to avoid her, or if she says something to me I count to 10 or just walk away.

Because if I were to say something back it wouldn't be appropriate! I know what kind of person I am and I'm not always mad. I'm a really sweet person, it's just little things like if you bump me in the hallway that makes me mad and I go off.

In the past I have had a fight with this girl Essence and her neighbors did call the police on me because she said she wanted to fight me and I was trying to be nice. I told her in the calmest way that I could that I'm not going to fight you because I will do some serious damage to you and then she was calling me scary and things that were very inappropriate.

Then at lunch she put me on "blast" as she called it. Really she was talking about me out loud to everybody, and it made me really mad. So then I was like "do you wanna fight me?" and she was like "Yeah, b****" and so I was like "ok."

Then she was in front of my house, so I walked home from school that day and she basically brought all the kids in the school to watch us fight. I wouldn't have done that if I was in her position! As soon as we got there she had an undershirt on and she was like, "wat's up?" (lets fight). So I ran up to her and I just started punching her in her face so hard that you could hear it!

Her nose started bleeding but I still kept going because at that point I didn't care! Then a lady next door called the police so I spit on her. Then when the police came they got me off of her and took her to the hospital and I got a $1000 fine for fighting on other people's property! Then she told people I broke her nose!

She just keeps talking noise to me and I'm trying to avoid her once again.

Another thing that bothers me is my grandma. I have a sister named Alera, and she gets what ever she wants. My granny spoils her to death! She'll do things like if my sister wets the bed she makes me put her blankets in the dirty clothes!

It's all too much for me. I hate people that annoy me because I know I have anger problems and I get mad over stupid stuff.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Jasmyne, and thanks for telling your story here. I think it's great that you want to learn how to manage your anger. (I got your other submission, but I'm going to help you here instead of writing a separate response.)

One thing I want to say is that you've got a strong anger habit, and I'm going to help you understand it and make different choices. There's nothing wrong with your anger, the problem is how it affects you and how you express it.

You said you know what kind of person you are and you're not always angry. I want you to focus there. You know that you're a good person inside, and that's why you're trying to get help for your anger problems. You have a good heart, and I can tell that you're also smart and strong. You can use all of that to get a handle on your anger and make it work for you instead of against you.

To understand the difference between healthy and healthy anger, take a look at this page on teenage anger management which may have some helpful info for you.


I suggest you get a journal (for your eyes only) and start writing in it every day. Use the guidelines on this page to get started writing about any and all of the pain, hurt and/or abuse you've been through in your past. Also write about any role models who gave you examples of unhealthy anger.

Then, use these imagery processes for emotional healing, which will give you a chance to "go back" to your past experiences in your mind and bring healing and resolution.

Then do the next writing exercise you will find here, which will give you a safe place to "put" your anger, and it will give you some relief.

Next, try this exercise and see if it works for you:

1) Come up with a mental picture of your anger. Amplify it, making it larger than life, and keep searching for an image until you have a clear picture in your mind. It needs to be a perfect picture of the most fierce, powerful and dangerous aspects of your anger. This is a part of you, but it's not all of you--so it won't look like you.

2) While picturing it in your mind, say this to it: "I can see that you are a part of me. I created you a long time ago, for my protection. If I let you run my life, you will destroy it. I'm not going to try to kill you or make you go away. You have a place here, but you're not going to be in charge any more. I'm taking over, which will keep both of us safe. I know you're strong, but your strength belongs to me, and I choose to use it for good things."

3) Notice how the image responds or changes in your mind while you say these things. Keep working with it in this way until you begin to see a healthy anger image start to emerge. Ultimately, you want to transform it into a loyal ally--that's what happens when your anger is healthy.

4) Every time you start to get angry, picture this image of your anger--keep at it until you can see it clearly. This is called "See It Don't Be It," and it will help you to manage your anger. If you're "seeing it" in your mind's eye, you won't "be" it.

You can even embrace this image, and come up with a new one, that is the kind of person you want to be--strong, healthy, in charge of your anger, standing up for yourself but not consumed by your emotions.

The last and most important step is to re-train your mind to focus on the good things inside and all around you. This is powerful, and you would be very smart to master these skills. It's simple...just follow the guidelines on this page.

These anger management techniques might also be useful to you along the way.

You can do this, Jasmyne. Believe in yourself. I get a sense that you are going to come out on top of your anger problem, so that it doesn't cause you problems the rest of your life.

Never, ever give up on you.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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