Everybody Gets What They Deserve And I Can't Change That

by Clarissa
(VA)



My son's in jail, and still won't write his goals down! My son is a charmer who uses brinkmanship to get his way. He obviously has adult hyperactivity disorder.

His latest jailing for petty but repeat offenses are his life spinning out of control without goals. He has worked in food preparation and cooking in restaurants, but has tested much higher than that on any of his high school abilities, including science and computers.



He is collecting recipes in jail, and this leads me to believe he wants to continue in restaurant work. His escapism drags at me.




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Clarissa, and thanks for telling your story here. It is clear that you love your son, and you want the best for him. I also hear that you're concerned about his lack of goal orientation and the way he seems to be operating below his potential.

The thing is, that it's his life, and as you well know by now, he can do whatever he wants with it. The best thing you can do is to let him go, and do your best to love and accept him no matter what he chooses. This, surprisingly, is also the best way to encourage good choices on his part.

The worst thing you can do is to continue to be frustrated with his choices. This adds to your stress, and it doesn't feel good to him either. He is your son, but he is not your child. You have no responsibility for him any longer.

I encourage you to read these quotes on relationships, and shift your focus to your own life and interests.

I know you love him, and love is letting go. Love is not holding on, or judgement.

Love yourself, Clarissa, and make up your mind to create so much joy and fulfillment in your own life that every time you think of your son you think only the best of him. He is collecting recipes...good. Encourage and support anything in him that is the least bit positive, whether it meets your expectations or not.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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