Does He Say These Things Because He Loves Me?

by Anonymous
(California)



My boyfriend and I have been together on/off for a little over a year. The first time we broke up, he did it, and it left me confused, lonely, and depressed. When we got back together, I felt happy again and more like myself. A couple months in, however, I started feeling emotionally abused.

It started with him criticizing my major (I'm in college, he isn't, but works full time), telling me that it's useless because I don't seem "passionate" enough about it. Then it was my weight and now it's my attitude.

The weight problem has really been bothering me. I'm an average weight, but when you input my BMI it does say overweight, but only by .6 points. My doctor says I'm healthy and I don't have any health concerns. My boyfriend thinks that I do have a problem, though, and he gets frustrated that I won't admit that I'm fat, overweight, and unhealthy.

I could eat better and exercise more, but is he justified in calling me fat? He makes me say it so that I admit it. He says he wants me to admit it so that I can work on it so we can stay together.

He also says there is something wrong with me because I can't orgasm. He is the only person I've had sex with, but we've tried everything and nothing's worked. I can do it myself, but during sex with him I just can't stay in the moment. This, again, is my fault because I have mental blocks.

He now says that my attitude bothers him, that I roll my eyes and throw fits. He says he wouldn't have to speak to me like a child if I didn't act like one all the time. I tell him that my attitude comes from his yelling and I have an issue with authority.

I just want the fighting and yelling to stop. I told him I was afraid that he would hit me one time, and he told me that it makes him sad that I think he'll hurt me physically. This leads me to believe that he does love me and doesn't want to hurt me.

When I hear his side, I feel like there are things I could do to change to better the relationship. But when I tell him things that he could work on, such as his anger issues, he says that he'll stop being angry when I stop being apathetic.

Does he love me and want to better the relationship? Or does he want to keep control over me and I'm staying because I'm insecure?


I feel so lost. None of my friends want to listen to my problems and I'm too scared to break up with him, but I can't keep feeling this way. I don't feel loved and appreciated fully for who I am, because he says that verbatim he doesn't love me just the way that I am.

He also tells me to stop crying and wallowing in my own pity. He doesn't realize that his negative comments dig a deeper hole for my depression and low self-esteem. I just want to be happy. What can I do?

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Dec 15, 2015
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Hugs To You
by: Anonymous

I agree with Dr. DeFoore. I just want to add that people don't usually change in this regard, and what you see now will only get worse in time.

I don't want to bash someone I'm sure you have come to care about deeply, but from what you describe it appears your boyfriend has serious issues. Please realize though, that these are his issues, and it is not your job to fix him. Your job is to take care of you.

If your decision is to leave (which it sounds like you know in your heart is the best thing to do), you will be able to open yourself up to receiving the love and respect of someone who thinks you are perfect just the way you are!

Dec 14, 2015
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This Is Not Love, It's Control
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I think you already know the answer you're looking for. Your words..."does he want to keep control over me and I'm staying because I'm insecure?" tell it clearly. Those thoughts never would have occurred to you if they were not at least partly true.

You can't have love without respect. What he says to you about your weight and sexual response is disrespectful, and I assure you that if you got those issues "fixed," there would be something else.

Make up your mind that you are going to be treated with respect, or you will not be in the relationship. And keep in mind, control is not love.

So, I think you know the answer to your question in the title of this story...this is not love.

I'm sure you will do the right thing for yourself.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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