Do I Really Love Him?

by Anoja
(London)

I am in love with someone, and he is complaining that I don't love him for himself. He says that I love things like the way he smiles, the way he talks and the way he loves me back. I want to know what's the difference? Does that mean I don't love him or I do love him? I am confused. Please explain. What does that mean?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Anoja, and thanks for writing for this site.

You are the only person who can know if you love someone or not. If you don't know for sure, that means you don't know your own heart well enough. When there is confusion in relationships, that usually means it's time to spend some time alone getting to know yourself better.

Ask yourself these questions:

1) Do I love myself as much as I love this person?

2) Does this relationship bring me more love and joy, or more worry and stress?

3) How much of my time do I spend thinking about and worrying about this person or this relationship?

The only right answers are, 1) yes 2) more love and joy, and 3) no more than 15-20%.

Take a look at these pages on relationships, and see if there's anything useful there for you:

Important relationship information

How to improve your relationships

How to heal abusive relationships

Believe in yourself, Anoja. No man is going to be everything you need or want him to be. Get yourself into a good state of health and happiness, and then choose a man who is also healthy and happy. That's the formula that works.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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