Divorce Getting Older by the Minute after 4 1/2 years

by Connie
(USA)

I have been married for almost 34 years and counting. My husband and I have been separated since August 18, 2005. I have spent $70,000 to try to divorce him. I feel helpless because I do not have the familial connections to the justice system that he has.

His brother is the U.S. Marshall in the county where I live. And although the court issued orders for him to do certain things within 10 days of the continuance of our trial in November, he did nothing to try to comply with the judge's orders.

Now that my attorney is back from vacation, I had to spend approximately $700 or $800 for her to prepare the court orders that my husband's attorney should have prepared.

I am angry because he can't seem to do anything to move this divorce to finality. And no matter how much money I spend to get there, I am not able to make it happen. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Connie, and thank you for telling your story on this site. I know this situation can be extremely difficult, not to mention expensive. And in your case, it makes it especially painful because you were married for 34 years. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

Obviously, I can't do anything to expedited your divorce. However, I can help you manage your stress and anger along the way, and possibly contribute to some positive outcomes.

Here is what I suggest:

1) It is very important for you to focus on what you want and what you look forward to, and not let yourself focus on what is not going right. I know that is challenging, but it will really help you to try.

2) Think about how great you will feel when this is all over. Imagine yourself in the future, looking back and thinking, "I haven't thought about that divorce in months!"

3) Every time you have to deal with the divorce proceedings, pivot away from the negative feelings to the good feelings you look forward to.

4) Along the way, use these anger management techniques to keep from getting too caught up in the frustration.

5) You will also find the journaling exercises on this page to be very helpful to keep you focused on good feelings and positive thoughts during your divorce process.

The way for you to "win" in this is to come out healthy and happy on the other end. Make up your mind that you will not let it make you bitter. Keep your focus clear that you will be strong, healthy and better on the other side.

The negative feelings will come, of course, just don't let yourself get stuck in them. Use the "Goodfinding" journaling exercises in the link above to keep your focus on what is good, right and working in your life.

Believe in yourself and your good heart. This too shall pass.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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