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Divorce Advice
And Letting Go Of A Relationship

Authored by William G. DeFoore, Ph.D.

This divorce advice will help you manage and direct your anger in healthy ways. Let's face it, this is painful, and maybe even scary. Anywhere you've got pain and fear, you're going to have anger, suppressed or bubbling over. 

Did you know that anger is the same thing as holding on? Think about it...the feeling of anger is like a fist, holding tight.

Likewise, forgiveness is letting go! You're looking for divorce advice, so it must be time for letting go, not holding on.

Problem is, divorce can be an infuriating process, so you're probably dealing with some anger. That's okay, just don't let your anger put money in your lawyer's pockets!

Here's some divorce advice for you:

The Do's And Don'ts Of The Divorce Process

Definitely Do

• Take care of yourself during the process, body mind and spirit. Keep up your healthy diet, exercise, good friendships and spiritual or religious practices. This is your foundation, and you need it especially during stressful times.
• If you think it may be possible to solve your marriage problems, then give that your best effort before pursuing divorce. This is not something to do half-heartedly, so be sure and contact Dr. DeFoore if you have questions.

• Find a lawyer you can trust, who respects you and your wishes. Remember...your lawyer works for you, you are paying the bill.
• Work toward a fair and balanced settlement. This always, always, always works better than either getting greedy or "giving away the farm" out of guilt or lack of self-esteem.
• Now for the best divorce advice of all! Practice gratitude for your past blessings, appreciation for what is good right and working right now, and optimism about your future. Keeping a positive attitude during the divorce process will help you with every challenge you face!
  
  

Definitely Don't

• Don't give in to despair and hopelessness. That's why you need to practice optimism and gratitude to keep your attitude good. This is some of the best relationship advice you'll ever get.
• Don't allow your anger to take over. Extreme anger does not make you smart--quite the opposite--it shuts down your higher brain functions. When you give in to your anger, you will end up making decisions that hurt you in the long run, drag out your divorce process, and cost you more money and heartache. If you get caught up in the revenge and retaliation trap, check out these healthy alternatives to getting revenge.
• Don't become a passive participant and "let the lawyers fight it out." Make sure your legal divorce advice is helpful and positive. Use mediation or Collaborative Law processes to work things out without all of the expensive fighting and unnecessary posturing.
• Don't lose hope and faith...in yourself, in positive outcomes, and in the people around you. Believe it or not, people are basically good, and want the best for all concerned--not matter how they may act at times.
  
  
  

ANGER MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES:
Healthy Ways to Control and Express Anger

It's time to get it done! And you've got what it takes to do the job. You can manage your anger and the skills you need are right here at your fingertips.

Get to the heart of anger management here, and with practice you will master the skills to make your life and relationships work better. You can do this!

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Do's And Don'ts If Children Are Involved

Divorce is always more complicated and stressful when there are children involved. This divorce advice will help you to minimize the damage done to your children in the divorce process:

Definitely Do

• Tell the children it's not their fault. Many children automatically blame themselves when their parents split up, and you can help a lot just be talking to them openly and explaining that this is between you and your spouse, and is not about them.
• Actions speak louder than words, so show your children that it is not their fault by protecting them from the divorce process as much as possible.
• Spend relaxed, one-on-one time with each child, to reassure them that they are loved, and that they are not going to lose you as their parent. This is some of the most important divorce advice you will get regarding your children.
• Create as much of a normal, healthy and happy family lifestyle as possible. Children need to know it's not the end of their world when their parents divorce.
  
  

Definitely Don't

• Don't criticize your spouse to your children. Avoid discussing visitation or custody problems with your children, to make sure they know it's not their job to fix any of that.
• Don't send messages to your (ex)spouse through your children, such as, "Tell your mom..." or "When you see your daddy, tell him..."

• Don't ask your children's advice or counsel about your (ex)spouse. This puts them in the role of "surrogate spouse" to you, and can do tremendous emotional damage to the child.
• Don't ask your children for information about your (ex)spouse. This is one of the most damaging things a parent can do to a child during or following a divorce.

Get even more help with this important topic from this helpful article.

You are the responsible adult, and it is your job to take care of your children especially when you are going through a really hard time. If this is hard for you, consider telling your story and getting some help on this site. There will be other parents who will be glad to support you.

More Divorce Advice To Consider

• Whether you are willing to admit it or not, you have to admit that this marriage started with love. Yep, I know it may be hard to remember for some of you, but it's true.
• The reason divorce hurts so much is that this was not the plan! You didn't plan to divorce when you married, so there is huge pain, disappointment and anger when things don't work out--especially if you really, really loved your soon-to-be-ex.
• So, divorce is (ideally) a time for letting go of a relationship. Easier said than done! You married this person, and planned to spend your life with them, and here you are...pretty hard to let go.
• Are you willing to consider something? I think most divorces happen because of bad relationships, not because of bad people.
• If you can say to yourself, "We are basically two decent people who just couldn't make it work" you'll be much better off than if you hate the other person and wish them harm.
  
  

Don't Be Blinded By Your Wounded Heart

Yeah, but what if your spouse had an affair? Or what if they were abusive? Good questions. Here's the deal...you forgive for you, not because they deserve it. You forgive so that you don't pollute your own heart and mind with hatred and anger long after the relationship has ended. Learn more about love, anger and forgiveness.

Okay, I think that's about it for now. Take this divorce advice to heart, and you will save yourself some money and heartache!

Still looking for more divorce support? This excellent resource will guide you.

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