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Disappointed And Tired

by Anna
(Canada )



Hi, my name is Anna. I am almost 40 with a 19 year old and an 11 year old. I met my partner a year and a half ago. I have led a hard life to say the least.

My ex (common-law) passed away 3 years ago after a hard 15 year relationship. I suffered very much because of that. When I met this new guy, I began to have hopes again of a happy life. He is two years older, just divorced (was separated 3 years ago).

He is a good man, can have a good heart at times but he is very angry. Most of the time. He swears a lot. And at everyone and everything. He's like that sober. When he drinks it only gets worse. You can't reason or even talk to him properly then.

He doesn't like to hear others’ opinions. He starts to yell, and talk very rudely. He insults me, calls me names, and hurts my feelings. What bothers me even more is that at those moments he doesn't think or care who's around and listening.

My kids have heard us argue many times. His son at times too, who is 6 years old. He has talked badly not only of me, but my family and kids too. If we are alone he gets physical. Not to purposely hurt me but to hold me back and prevent me from leaving.

He is rough and has hurt me. His behavior is not accepted by me. He brings out the anger and rage in me as well. I have punched/kicked walls out of frustration and even broke my toe. He broke his hand in return punching a wall a month later.

I have tried talking to him many, many times. Saying he has a problem. He needs to calm down, stop drinking and stop being so angry. He says there's no problem. And has taken no steps to do anything. All I get from him is, I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said, don't take me seriously when I'm like that. That's it, until it happens again.

Currently three episodes happen at least 3 times a week. I am out of patience. I have tried to print self-help material for him and it hasn't helped. He also treats and speaks to his mom in the same way.

I don't relax and feel well a lot of times wondering what mood he'll show up in today. My children are now questioning me as to if I'm sure I want to marry this man. My son's worried because we always argue. And my daughter wants to know why I allow a man to treat me like that.

I do love him. And want to help him. But I feel like it’s killing me. I find myself depressed and sad too often because of his behavior. I don’t know what to do anymore. When he’s good and calm, his love is just overflowing. He is hard working and smart.

He throws that in my face all the time too. You can't find a smarter better man than me. I would appreciate some advice or an outside opinion. I have not shared my story until now. Thank you.


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Apr 24, 2017
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I'm So Glad You're Asking For Help
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Anna - You are smart to question this relationship. Listen to your children. Your primary responsibility is to their welfare, and the abuse by your partner is damaging to them...not to mention how it is hurting you.

Any time you want to stay with someone (much less marry them) in order to "help them," that is a definite sign that you need to end the relationship.

This man is abusing you, and he's an alcoholic. It does not matter how good he is at other times, how smart he is, etc. By the way, if he's so smart, why is he drinking to excess and hurting the woman he loves? There's nothing smart about that.

I hope you'll take this seriously, and make the right choice to create emotional and physical safety for you and your children.

It will help you to read about battered women, and to see how you fit the pattern.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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