Difficult People

by Anna

I read a quote one time that I'll always remember. I don't recall who wrote it or where I read it, but it will be with me for the rest of my life: "There are two kinds of difficult people in this world...us, and everybody else."

I try to remember that whenever I'm having a problem with anyone. I try to find out if the problem is them, me, or the both of us. I'm not always perfect about doing this, but I try.

Even when I figure out that another person is harming me, I have a hard time being assertive sometimes. It could be because of my early childhood training in passivity, or it could be because I'm just naturally an introvert. Whatever it is, I want to change it. I want to learn a better way to deal with certain people. I don't want to be so easy to dominate, manipulate, or abuse.

When I was a child I felt almost constantly dominated by my mother. If I had a different opinion than her, she would immediately argue with me about it until my opinion matched hers. I was not allowed to think, feel or act in a way that differed from her. I got to the point where I started to avoid being in the same room with her. My mother was the final word on all things in my life.

I was thirty years old when I first uttered my own opinion to another person. I was talking to a co-worker. Before this time I had kept my own beliefs to myself, making a point to just agree with what everyone else said. I was terrified. I waited for her to argue with me about it. I waited for her to tell me that I wasn't allowed to have that opinion. I cringed within myself as I noticed my co-worker looking at me in a disapproving way. She soon dismissed it, and went on to talk about something else. I relaxed. I had said something I believed that another person disagreed with, and I had lived to tell about it.

This made me brave. I started writing down my own opinions about various subjects and reading them to myself every once in awhile. I practiced having my own opinion whether others agreed with me or not. I worked on this for years, and I'm still working on it. It's one the scariest things I've ever done around other people.

While my children were growing up I often sat them down and asked them what they thought about certain subjects. I started this when they were in elementary school until they grew up and left home. As they rattled off opinion after opinion, I remained quiet and just let them talk. If I disagreed with any of their opinions, I fought the urge to argue with them about it. I was determined that they would live their lives unafraid to voice themselves. I was determined that I would not be the same with them that my mother had been with me. It was hard, but I stubbornly kept at it until it became natural to me.

I made it a rule that I would turn the TV off for at least one hour everyday to talk to my children about what was happening in their lives and how they thought and felt about these things. One time, after I'd had an especially hard day at work, I forgot to turn off the TV. My oldest son got up, turned off the TV, and said, "It's time for our talking." He was still in elementary school at the time.

I know that it was good for me to teach my children to think for themselves and I feel good about that. However, they ended up doing this a lot better than I did. I stumbled all over myself trying to be my true self and having my own voice.

I bought books about being assertive and I wrote affirmations about being assertive. All of this helped, but I am still finding myself shaking in my boots when certain people treat me in a way that I feel is unkind or unfair. I still have a hard time having my own opinions in the face of opposition.

I often don't know what to say while being assertive with someone. There are some people I can deal with better than others, but I really want to learn how to be assertive in a way that will leave me feeling like a resolution was agreed on. I struggle with my early training to always be passive, agreeable, the perfect little girl.

Sometimes I feel that I'm getting so much better at being assertive and at other times I seem to be in kindergarten with it. I guess I'll just keep working on it.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

A standing ovation for you, Anna! This is such a good story, and so many people will be able to relate to what you've written. Millions of people (maybe billions) all over the world struggle with decision making, thinking for themselves, and speaking out about what they think and feel. How many times have you heard someone say, "I try to avoid conflict" or "I hate conflict" or "I can't stand conflict"? It is very common. And you just made it easier for some of those people to feel good about themselves, and you even gave them some tips about how to help themselves. (The crowd is still applauding...)