Control

by Karen
(Henderson, NV)

I was very happy in my current relationship at first. It began about 2 yrs ago. I thought I finally found the perfect man. He was kind, a good father to his kids, held 2 jobs, he really seemed to care about me. After about 4 or 5 months things went down hill! He became very controlling, and everything had to be done his way. It's like there was his way to do things and the wrong way to do things, instead of my way or his way.

I was not perfect by any means. I did lie to him a few times, but never about anything important and I always told him the truth quickly. He would get very mad over stupid things. We also worked together which didn't make things better. He was very critical at work as well. He would always tell how I should have done something, and ask "why are you doing it that way?" He would start fights over the smallest things that made no real difference.

Then, about 11 months ago I found out I was pregnant. He told me to get an abortion but I did not want to because I had gotten pregnant almost the first time we had sex. I did not think I could have children. Then he still wanted an abortion. So, I made an appointment at a clinic and they did an untrasound to see if the fetus was viable. After he heard the heartbeat he changed his mind, I was glad because I never wanted the abortion to begin with.

However, two months later I got very sick and had to go to the hospital. A few days after I was discharged I had a miscarriage. I could not have an abortion with my second pregnancy after what happened with the first. I told him he did not have to be a part of the pregnancy if he did not want to, I could do it all on my own. He loves his kids though and wanted to be part of her life.

So now we have a child together and things have gotten worse. Not to mention we are staying with my mother right now to save for a house. We have finally found a house and made an offer which we are sure is going to be accepted. I do not know if I should go with him or not since I can not stand him half the time. I do not feel that we should constantly be asking each other to change. What should I do? I want my daughter to have a family but I want it to be a healthy one.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Karen. Thanks for writing your story on this site where others might benefit. I'm glad you want to create a healthy and safe family for yourself and your daughter. I can't really tell from what you've written whether this is a healthy relationship or not. You're going to have to decide that for yourself.

You say you "can't stand him about half of the time." That actually says a lot. As long as that is how you feel, you will not be able to create a loving, safe home for yourself and your children.

You say you want your daughter to have a healthy family--that's very, very good. The place to start is with yourself. Is your anger healthy? See if you can find out, by completing this anger assessment.

To find out if your relationship is healthy, I suggest you read this page on relationships and this page on abusive relationships. You will also find a lot of links to other help, information and support on those pages.

All the best to you in your efforts to create a healthy family,

Dr. DeFoore